Saturday, December 15, 2012

mael·strom

noun \ˈmāl-strəm, -ˌsträm\

Definition of MAELSTROM

1: a powerful often violent whirlpool sucking in objects within a given radius 

I have been in a maelstrom of emotion for the last 36 or so hours since the images of Sandy Hook Elementary started to flitter across my computer screen.  I was sucked into the "what if's" and "might have been's".
I imagined how I would feel if McMath Secondary was in lockdown.  

With my whole life inside it.  

I touched the grief of Sandy Hook - from afar and very briefly. 

And I wept. 

I texted Allan and asked him to hug the kids for me.  

I almost drove over there so strong was my physical ache to feel them in my arms.

David called me to tell me he loved me........ I was undone.

I was/am SO grateful.  

That my children came home.  And my husband, a teacher.  

I went to bed sad and numb and praying without knowing what to pray really.  

What to ask for?  

Answers? Peace? Comfort?

For me..... for them?

In stark juxtaposition I woke early this morning and sat in my quiet house, a dog's tail thumping gently near my feet, bacon cooking, coffee brewing, a cup of warm tea in my hand..... peaceful and warm.  And as my sleepyheads emerged from their warm beds I marveled at the grace afforded me that they would wake and hug me in their warm, tousled, just-awakeness when others would long for that and never have it again.

And this afternoon I drove to a wedding in gently falling snow and beheld the joy and hope that is every wedding. It did not matter a whit that the entire service was in Spanish - the love and the joy were evident in every smile, every look, every warm embrace as a beautiful bride and handsome groom declared their love before a loving congregation.

As I drove home I felt myself in the maelstrom.... caught up in so many thoughts, so many conflicting emotions.  Grateful and angry, sad and hopeful, sorrow and hope..... knowing that each emotion has its its place, does not cancel the other out, is valid and personal and yet universal.

As the snow turned to rain I looked over to the west and saw the sun trying to break through on the horizon as dusk settled.

I took a detour down to the river as the sun broke through the clouds - a brief glimpse of sun through the storm clouds, across the stormy river.  
I hold on to that sight as a sign of hope. 

Light does indeed conquer the darkness and good will conquer evil - I believe that.  

 It starts with me.  With us.  

A song that soothes my soul........ strengthens my faith.


Lyrics
All who sail the sea of faith
Find out before too long
How quickly blue skies can grow dark
And gentle winds grow strong
Suddenly fear is like white water
Pounding on the soul
Still we sail on knowing
That our Lord is in control
Sometimes He calms the storm
With a whispered peace be still
He can settle any sea
But it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm
And other times He calms His child
He has a reason for each trial
That we pass through in life
And though we're shaken
We cannot be pulled apart from Christ
No matter how the driving rain beats down
On those who hold to faith
A heart of trust will always
Be a quiet peaceful place
- Scott Krippayne

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