My Daughter - a poem

Lindsay

I feel the weight of her head on the hollow of my neck.
I close my eyes and try and imprint that heaviness into my mind
- the shape,
   - the feel,
      - the smell of my daughter
so fully grown
and yet
so much my baby girl

I run my hand through her hair and wonder at her beauty,
her amazing self that is so much
more
than her physical self

I want to brand my mind and my heart with this physical closeness
the touch of her hand,
     the sweep of her lashes,
          the gurgle of her giggle.

I never want to forget this weight, this presence, this touch.

I want to hold her
            to love her
            to laugh at her wit
            to guide her exuberance
            to salve her wounds

And yet I must let her go
to spread her self to places
far
beyond me

Others will know her
but I will always know the weight of her
from a few cells
to this
emerging yet not yet complete
woman
whose head rests on the hollow of neck

forever
in my memory.

Written at the cabin in October 2011.

A Cracking good time

We decided late on Friday to head to our cabin "beyond Hope" for this mundane reason:

A burst pipe - of course it was behind the shower wall

some demolition was needed

The "burst" was removed

A new piece installed

We gave the new pipe a cozy cover so it won't burst again

And the shower stall put back together again

Allan did all this.......his Grandfather was a plumber and would have been very proud of him.  I am pretty useless at this sort of stuff - I see a whole mess of pipes and glaze over but Allan is very methodical and works it all out and goes to work.  I am the sous chef to his chef in these situations - I do menial but important tasks as directed - I hold the light or flashlight, hand tools as requested (my tool identification skills have come a LONG way), vacuum, clean-up, tidy up and prepare food and beverages as needed.

I have great confidence in Allan's skills.  He knows so much about so many things it is quite amazing and what would have cost us a fortune to fix  if we had to "call a guy" he did in a few hours, and very well. 

He does freak me out while he is working though.

He narrates as he works.......and every time he says "No way", "What the heck", "This is stupid, who would do this?", "Damn", "Ouch".....etc...... I have a near heart attack and imagine he has hit either the main water line, the gas line or  cut his hand off......or come across some obstacle to the job that will ruin our weekend and be expensive to fix.........and when I go to investigate he is just sitting there muttering away and all is in order (and yet, ever the sharp knife that I am, I fall for the worried muttering, e.v.e.r.y.t.i.m.e).  There is some past experience of blood spurting gashes that has lead me to this anxious state.

But I actually topped the whole evening and had my family rolling on the floor laughing.

Allan was holding a piece of plywood back , the wood was under some pressure, so I could reach my dainty little hand in behind the wood and push the pipe insulation cover over the pipe behind this panel of wood.......while my hand is behind there and Allan is pulling back hard on the wood, there was a mighty CRACK sound.  I think I lost consciousness for a second because in that moment I was sure my arm had snapped in two.....once conscious again I leaped back and stumbled out of the tiny shower stall we were both occupying shrieking.......which brought the children running......

It took me a good few seconds to conclude it wasn't my arm that had snapped (and to be fair past experience of hearing bones snap in my arm came into play)....I realised it was merely the wood protesting the angle it was being pulled in.......when the bemused kids and Allan realised the little pantomime I had just put my self through they started to laugh at my antics......as the adrenaline rushed through my veins and started to ebb I too could see the funny side and imagine how ridiculous it looked.....and we all laughed.....ALOT........

All night they mocked me.

I just held the light for the rest of the night until we had dinner and a nice glass of red wine to settle my nerves........

Never a dull moment.

Can I help you?

A simple question but sometimes hard to ask and sometimes hard to respond to.

I am a helper - I like helping people - when I did all those aptitude tests in High School to assist in making a career choice all the "helping" professions were at the top.....and so my careers in social work, non-profit and teaching is right on the mark....for me.  Even my event planning business is essentially a helping business.

But so often I see a need and hesitate....I second guess myself.......I don't want to intrude or be rude or have my intentions misunderstood. 

Sometimes I stall myself entirely. 

And sometimes I find out later that the help would have been welcomed and I need the V8 crack on the head! So silly.

So my personal challenge in 2012 is to be bolder in reaching out.  To push through the doubt and move to action.

I am prepared to be rebuffed or turned down (and I will try not to take it personally) but I am curious about what will happen both for me and for others when the help is offered and received.

I had my first chance today and I started to second guess myself right away but I batted down the doubt and risked the ask anyway and it went well!

I am thankful that I asked "Can I help you?", thankful to the person who (with slight hesitation) took me up on my offer to drive her home from Save-On this evening.  We managed a semi awkward conversation with as much self-disclosure as we were comfortable with and  it ended well with thanks and wishes for a good weekend.

Good start to my 2012 personal challenge..........no need for a V8 thunk to the head for me tonight.

Mammograms

And all the men ran screaming from the blogosphere........

Yesterday was my annual (in my case slightly over a year) mammogram and I was wittily composing status updates that included.... the injustice of a test that requires a tender part of the female anatomy to be crushed in a vice-like device......and/or......if men had to undergo a similar test we'd sure hear about it........and/or.......with all the advances in technology surely the women of the world deserved more or better or less excruciating pain.....as I walked to the hospital in the pouring rain. 

I didn't have time to update my status before my test as cell phones are not allowed in the waiting room.

I filled in the form and disrobed my upper half and put on the ever flattering blue hospital gown and entered the "room of doom".

The lovely Carol welcomed me to my second mammogram and asked if I needed a reminder of how it worked.  I wittily retorted that a mammogram is so memorable I had certainly not forgotten the contortions it would require, or the pain.  She readily agreed that mammograms were memorable.

I decided to try one of my witty draft status updates on her and quipped - "One would think that with all the technology today women wouldn't need to endure these lengths for a look inside their breasts". 

Insert humiliating reality check here.

Carol: "There are many other ways to get images of breasts.....just none as cost effective as this."

I shut up, contorted, held my breath as required, endured my 15 seconds per image pain (4 images in total) and thanked Carol for a) noticing my tan and b) being as gentle as distracting as possible and c) for the information on breast imaging.

I walked out feeling like a spoiled brat.

All the way there I was moaning and groaning, as most women do about mammograms, it's like a thing women do. 

And yet I had actually just had a test that could save my life.

I didn't even have to remember to get the test - they sent me a reminder.  ALL I had to do was call and make an appointment.  I showed up and was in and out in under 20 minutes. 

And I was whining. 

Unacceptable. 

I needed to be reminded how lucky I am to have this access.  I know we pay premiums and taxes to have this medical system we love to grumble about but we have little idea how very very lucky that makes us.  It doesn't matter what my income is - I would get this test anyway, every year. 

I hereby vow to never, ever complain about my screening mammogram again.  I will not enter the sisterhood of complaint about squished boobs - or rather I hereby exit from it.

I don't know what my test will show, hopefully nothing, but someone who had that test yesterday will be saved by it.

And that is worth all the squishing necessary.

Wordless Wednesday - New Years Luau

Lei's for all

Hawaiian staples

Photo Booth

Lindsay giving a demo

Kalua Pork a la Allan

Drinks table outside in the tent

We mix a mean Mai Tai

Allan's coconut opening demo

S'mores Basket

Roasting marshmallows

Midnight revelry - noise makers and glo sticks

Flashback 2011 - Allan and I

Allan
The story of 2011 for Allan was TWU and robotics.  The planets, stars, time and finances finally aligned for Allan to get the degree that BC College of Teachers demands he get after teaching here for 17 years!  Trinity Western University admitted him to the Adult Degree Completion Program for a Bachelor in Leadership. He has embraced this journey and is excelling at it.....I think a Masters is on the cards once he graduates this October.  I truly believe this study on this topic comes at such a timely point in his life and career and I am excited for what the future holds for him.  I so admire his commitment to this additional workload and am proud of his successes.

His robotics teams cleaned up the competition in the Pacific North West again and headed to the World Championships in Florida in April.  We had to do so much fundraising for this but it was worth it as the teams went so far in the Worlds and winning the Inspire Award, putting the Cambie robotics program firmly on the world map.  A day and a half at Disney World was a welcome break after the intensity of the competition.

Allan continues to enjoy his teaching and managed to get some more time in the workshops this year which he so enjoys.  He is also on the forefront of online teaching and is running his 5th online physics course so more students can be accommodated. 

He is also the assistant coach of David's soccer team which enabled him to get some exercise too in his busy schedule.  Although he had to relinquish his soup duties to me as it conflicted with his night at Trinity he often makes the soup for me on a Sunday which is a blessing to me.

Allan still loves time in the workshop making things (surfboards look to be a prime project in 2012) as well as in the kitchen where he is a wonderful cook.

Nicky
The story of 2011 for me was trips and more of the same at work.

When our expected new child care facility burned down in March we knew it would be another year or more until we'd actually open a centre we have been working on for 6 years.  I tried to turn the disappointment into an opportunity to further ready the organisation for the expansion by doing a complete review and rewrite of all our policies and procedures, developing a new tools and aligning all our documents and bringing them up to date.  I was ably assisted in this by a wonderful assistant who also did a complete reorg of my office and all our filing systems - Hallelujah!  I miss her! By the end of 2011 we had bid on an additional centre and were awarded the Hamilton Child Care Centre days before Christmas.  So 2012 will be a busy one of anticipating the opening of 2 centres (100 spaces of child care) in 2013.

I decided to accompany my Mom to Anchorage Alaska to visit my sister and family in March and had an incredible visit that included going to the start of the Iditarod in Willow Alaska and
down to Seward - amazing and magnificent places.  Lovely to get to know my 6 nieces and nephews and learn that I was to be an aunt one more time (Ian arrived in October).  It was a great trip.
Right after Anchorage we headed for Florence Oregon and the Dunes with the Burtons - We rented a house on a lake together and had a grand time in spite of iffy spring break weather.

In the Summer I met my old school friend Leigh in Seattle and we did the Cascade loop together in a Thelma and Louise styled trip which was alot of fun!  A late summer trip to Portland and Leavenworth with the family was all the Summer vacation Allan got from Trinity and we made the most of it.

The Fall was less frantic as I took a semester off of teaching in the ECE program and just supervised a few practicum students.  I continued to lead/host our beloved Soup Group on Tuesdays and with
Lindsay in a MT program in Vancouver I spend Wednesday evenings with her while the boys are at soccer - we have developed a little ritual of having sushi after dance and I cherish my girl time with her.

I continued to co-lead the Junior Youth boys with my friend Graham and was sad to let it go in 2012 as I return to teaching at night.  I continue to love my Jazzercise and end 2011 22lbs lighter and much
trimmer and firmer and feeling more fit than in a long time.

My event planning business EventAbility continues to muddle along keeping my patner and dear friend Joyce as busy as we want to be.  Joyce has saved my butt many Tuesdays by making sublime desserts for our soup groupers to enjoy!

And then there was Hawaii - a lovely lovely way to end the year and a carrot that kept me going many a day!

As you know Allan and I celebrated (and celebrated and celebrated) our 20th wedding anniversary - a wonderful milestone and one hard won and sincerely appreciated for the gift it is.

We also continue to attend Emmanuel Christian Community but are less involved than in past years. 

We look forward to all the promise that 2012 offers and to the journey ahead and try to take it one day at a time and not sweat the small stuff and remember to say "I love you" more and to serve one another and raise our children and make a difference in this old world.  To increase our faith in our God, to love and serve our friends and family, to make good choices for our bodies, to have fun and be grateful.

We are blessed!

Flashback 2011 - Kids!

There is no way to justice to all that happens to each of us individually and as a family, in our community and in the world in one blog post but I want to stop a moment and think back on 2011 and record for the record some of the standout moments.

David
Davids' story of 2011 is the Tale of Two Schools.......the first half of 2011 was a battle of being bullied and me battling with his teacher over several issues.....it all came to a head and we made decisions we took too long to make.  The agony of the departure from that school was helped immensely by David getting to go on a big adventure flying solo to Anchorage Alaska to visit with his cousins for 3 weeks.  He had such a great time.

September brought a new school and a fresh start.......it has been so good to be at school close to home and the teacher has been amazing but David continues to battle through the damage done by months, if not years, of bullying and challenges at the old school.  He has shown such courage and resolve in working through these tough things with an amazing therapist Kelly Kavanagh.

He continues to play soccer and his Dad is the Assistant Coach again this year.  He also loves his Junior Youth Group which I ran for a year and is now handed off to a new leader.  He went to Camp in the Summer and loved being with the cousins at Spring Break - fishing and running through the sand dunes.  He got braces on and continues to have regular vision check-ups but has been mainly healthy.

He loved our trip to Hawaii and got up on his surf board first time out but needs to improve his upper body strength and swim skills before he tackles any bigger surf!

He remains our sweet, smart, curious boy as he enters the last months of elementary school.  I can hardly believe he will be both a teenager and in high school before the year is out.

Lindsay
Lindsay's story of 2011 was France!  She started back to school in January with a clear focus on raising funds for France and keeping on top of the academics and ended her Grade 8 year on the Honour Roll in every term.  She amazed us with such a great transition to high school where she had no friends or alliances and quickly made many new friends and has a diverse and ever-growing group of friends.

She kept her focus on France in the Summer and worked as much as she could, mainly babysitting,  and we held a garage sale to help her to her self imposed goal of $1000.  She also went to Camp once as a camper and then again later in the summer as a babysitter.  We almost ended the summer on a disastrous note with a  parental misstep but the day was saved and we enjoyed the last days of the Summer in Portland and Leavenworth.

I gulped hard at YVR as I sent my girl away to France on a school trip.  As much as I was excited for her and we celebrated this amazing experience it was a big leap of faith to send her off especially for a 5 day homestay in Brittany!  BUT she had an incredible trip and came home with such a new a different perspective on the world.  She wrote this guest blog which gives a glimpse of her experiences.  She loved her homestay family and we will welcome Julia to our home in April which will be a great reunion for the girls.

Lindsay had a bit of a post-France academic crisis which we are digging out of and have confidence she will be back on track very soon. 

Lindsay had a tough first half of the year in Musical Theatre studio but ended the year with good character and a couple of dance medals but it was time to find a new creative home.  She is loving her new studio and the new approach to teaching and her joy in performance is back.

This lucky girl also came with us to Hawaii and fell in love with surfing and all things surfer/beach.Hawaii and longs to be back on her surf board!

She is out to a New Years lunch with a group of friends and we will continue to help this beautiful, smart, funny, teenage girl balance all the things in her life and navigating the sometimes troubled waters of Grade 9.  Hard to believe by the time 2012 ends she will be 15 and in Grade 10.

I will leave it at that for this post - Allan and my flashbacks next post.