Saturday, May 7, 2016

Mothers Day Eve - A reflection on a gift

I am not the biggest fan of Mother's Day.  I don't like the pressure around gifts and decisions about what to do and what to eat (ok maybe the what to eat part isn't so bad).

If I am honest - this role - the mother role - is one I have lacked confidence in in myself.  

It is impossible to know if you are doing it right.

It is impossible to know how many ways you might be screwing it up.

I took on the role more pragmatically than emotionally.  

It was time.  We had been married 7 years. 

And as the cliche goes ... as soon as I saw that squiggly little alien on the ultrasound machine I was undone.  

And when she, and then later, her brother were finally placed in my arms I was in a blind panic.  

And totally in love. 

But mostly terrified. 

And so the tension of mothering continues to this Mother's Day eve.  

But this year I approach with a little more confidence. 

Not just because 19 years later they are both still alive... but because they gave me the gift of confidence. 

Last year on Mothers Day they gave me a jar with "52 Reasons we Love You".  Little brown packages tied up with string, one for every week of the last year.  

I mostly forgot to to open one every week so every few weeks I would walk by the dresser and unroll a few.

It is beyond a gift to read your children's thoughts about you as their mother, as a person.  

I have been humbled, I have cried, I have laughed out loud, I have felt my heart squeeze and I have stared in disbelief ... each and every little package of words went straight to my heart.

To be fair this was a year ago 

But with each one, each word carefully penned, I have felt the the invisible, internal  "mom-confidence-barometer" rise a notch. 

In a beautiful and authentic way my children have made me a better Mother this year and that is gift I will treasure and live into the worthiness of.  

I couldn't have walked this journey nearly as ably without an incredible co-parent who has supported and challenged and listened and guided me.  He has allowed me to find my rhythm and called me back when I lost my way at times. Allan - thank you. 

Lindsay, David...being your Mom is a joy beyond any you could imagine.  My heart nearly bursts out of my chest with pride for who each of you is as a person.  The depth of my gratitude for your gift 52 weeks ago is deeper than I can really express in words. 

I love you both to the moon and back to infinity and forever. 

In the end all I knew was that I loved them, and that I always would, and it turns out, that was enough.

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