It's coming

In less than two weeks there will be a great disturbance in the Force ... or something... and I will be 50.

A good number of my closest friends have already passed this milestone.

A good number of my friends are turning 50 in 2020 - Hello Grad class of 1987 

A good number of my friends think 50 is OLD

I am having trouble figuring what to think about turning 50 nevermind how I feel about it. 

It's doesn't feel like just another birthday.

It feels big - it feels like I should feel something big.

It's a taking stock kind of moment as the decade birthdays often are. 

So here's where I am tonight.

Tonight I am thinking of what I regret in my life so far:

I regret spending so much time worrying (not that I am likely to stop doing so)
I regret all the times I wasn't brave with my truth
I regret the times I said YES when I meant to say NO
I regret yelling at my kids - every time
I regret rushing  - not slowing down and being present in the moment
I regret the hours of my life I spent in the car outside an event because I/We were early (ok not really)
I regret not apologising sooner - or at all
I regret the times I said No when I meant to say YES
I regret the years I was fueled by fear
I regret I didn't reach out more - connect more - because I didn't feel worthy
I regret the times I sulked for days 
I regret letting relationships I cared about go 
I regret the times I snapped at someone or was sarcastic when they needed kindness
I regret not believing taking care of myself was a valid task
I regret not realising the end of something / or the beginning of something 
I regret every hug or kiss I missed because I was angry or hurt
I regret all the bacon (no I don't but maybe I should) 

I could go on... but I might regret that too... What I mean to say is that while I have SO much to be grateful for and there is so many more blessings and joys than these regrets... but to pretend they don't exist is to tell only part of my story. 

I guess one doesn't get to 50 with some missteps - big and small - but that I can say them out loud, or at least type them, must surely mean they shaped me into who I am - and I am learning to be ok with her.  With 50 year old Nicola Lesley Byres.  Some days I am even proud of her and some days I am excited to see what happens next. 

Tonight though, I am feeling like this is a good place to start the next couple of weeks of celebrating 50 trips around the sun.

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PS No Birthday greetings yet please - I have a few more days of my 40's to enjoy!