Disrupted

It's been a CoVID while since I was in this space. 

I'm here today to muse about disruption. 

I am feeling disrupted. 

I don't know what I was thinking my 50th year would be like but I certainly didn't envision a pandemic and an uprising. 

But here I am. 

Here we are. 

CoVid sent my work life into chaos but I kept working and going into work daily.  In quietened streets that held an eeriness that was hard to shake.  We shuttered some facilities and the others were much quieter than usual.  We made hard decisions and we had hard conversations.  

For those early CoVid weeks there was never not a pit in my stomach.  I had nightmares I was going to get CoVid.  And worse nightmares where I might give it to someone.  I woke up many nights gripped with anxiety. 

Separated from friends and family  - even scared of one another - everyone trying to stay safe physically but exacting an emotional toll we have yet to calculate or understand.  

Disrupted from each other. From Community.

Days became weeks and weeks months and the news close to home gave us hope.  My chest felt less constricted and my mind less frantic.   

And just as CoVid fatigue was setting in... the fatigue of operating an organisation in such times as these with never ending protocols and shifting expectations ... the fatigue of line-ups and shortages - the fatigue of not easily being with family and friends... bone-weary fatigue of not being able to see the future, to plan, to know when does the "new normal" begin?  

When to stop feeling disrupted? 

George Floyd.  

"I can't breathe"

A crisis on top of a crisis. 

Perhaps the rawness of how I was already feeling, perhaps my shock at the complacency I had allowed myself to believe in... I found my myself doubly disrupted. 

These feelings of rage and impotence are not new to me.  But I had let them become dulled and distant.  I have felt the weight of my whiteness almost all my life. I have been aware of my white privilege almost all my life.  And for years it activated me and now I found myself 50 and in Canada and unacceptably comfortable with the status quo.

It would be so easy to point south of the 49th and say "thank goodness that's not us" (and I am) but that is a fallacy.  Canada has much to answer for.  And I, a Canadian citizen and voter, have to be part of the process. I need to be reactivated to sit in the discomfort I feel in being white and to figure out how I am going to be ally with Black Lives Matter in a way that is authentic and sustained and acceptable.  

This week I listened to black women a lot - I centered my social media feeds on their voices and stories and listened and I learned.  My heart was "cracked wide open" at their stories, eloquence, rigor and wisdom.

My thinking and my heart were once again disrupted.

My faith, grown dull and disconnected, was disrupted.  

I hate disruption.  I am a creature of routine and stability and equilibrium.

But so far my life has taught me that the periods of greatest growth have always been when I am disrupted.  When I am forced to think and act, when I need to learn from others, when I need to de-centre myself and re-centre others ... when I need to STOP dong some things and START doing other things.  

Will I embrace this CoVid / BLM disruption - HELL YES. 

I am not going to preach here and give lists and resources - I'll do my work and you, if you choose to be part of the disruption of white supremacy and systemic racism, will do yours.  

"

“Here is a simple, rule-of-thumb guide for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you, then grab the initiative and do it for them. Add up God’s Law and Prophets and this is what you get."
Matthew 7:12 The Message 

My family and friends are all liars

My family and friends are all liars

And I couldn't love them more

For a couple of weeks my spidey senses have been on high alert for anomalies in communication and planning about my 50th birthday. 

I was sure something fishy was going on but I couldn't quite put all the pieces together though I spent a few sleepless hours trying.

As it turns out I could never have guessed what was really happening.

I was told I was going for a walk at Terra Nova Nature Park and then brunch with 3 girlfriends in the City.  I had guessed this was unlikely to be the truth.

It was pouring rain on Saturday morning and a walk in the park seemed a silly idea so I proposed meeting for coffee in the village.  

This only prompted more lies and so at 10:30am yesterday I arrived at Terra Nova to walk.  Emily and Viv seemed happy to be setting out in the rain - I followed along suspiciously scanning the park for signs of....something.  

Just minutes into our walk we "bumped" into Kate also mysteriously out walking in the rain.  After some Hello's Emily and Viv promptly said goodbye and walked away leaving a bewildered me with Kate, who was not randomly walking there as it happens, who ushered me over to a wheelbarrow full of plants and together we planted her gift to me as we chatted.  That planter was delivered to my front door before I got home!  

I was starting to get the picture when Kate promptly said we needed to continue our walk ...so we did and soon rounded the corner and I saw someone alongside the path up ahead.  As we approached Kate said goodbye and I greeted Fil by asking him if he had a license to be fishing in the that ditch.  He proceeded to do a one-man one-act play that encompassed all of our best fishing stories/encounters from the past several years - it was magnificent. 

He soon had me walking on along the path until we spied a beautiful sculpture just off the path - the gift of Katharina who couldn't be there but left a gift of nature and creativity - amazingly beautiful. 

Fil and I walked on in gentle, lovely conversation until I spied a bright umbrella on the bridge ahead under which one Jennifer stood.  Fil was gone and Jennifer - my colleague of 19 years offered me the gift of a letter she had written  - she read it to me as we walked and cried and laughed - a good summary of our relationship.  A letter I'll treasure forever as I treasure her now.

Soon a band of Hofs emerged from behind a huge tree and Jennifer was gone. My beloved Hofs had props for a photo shoot, paper boats for a regatta and friendship bracelets made by my precious Penelope.  That would have been enough but Graham told a story that ended with him and Laura giving me a fund that I can use to encourage young entrepreneurs as I had once encouraged him.  A gift so stunning and so insightful it took my breath away with gratitude.

They soon had me walking on and soon I spied that beautiful girl of mine walking towards me.  YES!  This I had guessed correctly and I was very happy to see her face in spite of her deceptive ways!  She had a picnic, with a tablecloth, all ready for me and despite the rain we sat down and had a picnic reminiscent of so many we have had before -  and boy was I hungry by then (the promised brunch never having materialised!) so I devoured the cheese and crackers!

As I was munching my parents popped out of nowhere and showered me with beautiful words of love and a poem my Dad wrote and performed.  We shared our snacks and visited a while and soon they left. 

Lindsay and I were soon walking on until we came to a clearing where a man stood with a guitar under a tarp strung in the trees.  His name was Brian and although we had never met he began to play one of my favourite songs "Landslide" .... and standing there, with my daughter tucked in close beside me, in the gently falling rain... more tears.

We walked on and came to another corner - Lindsay pulled out an iPad and there was a video message from my godson Arlo and his beautiful Mama Juli... so charming and full of good memories.

We walked on and soon Mr Allan Byres emerged from the bushes - he received a swift smack for his stellar performance of an ignorant and uniformed bystander when he was, in fact, fully apprised of the whole plan!!  He read me a lovely and loving message from our son who is too far away to be here. And then he revealed his gift to me of something off my bucket list I can hardly believe.  You'll be along for this ride on my actual birthday next Saturday  - I'm SO SO excited. 

We then walked on and arrived at the Red Barn to all the gathered players now warm and dry and a beautifully decorated room and table and a feast of indian food made by our friend Nav.  My beloved friend Emily had every detail covered and was the creative mastermind of it all.  She created this gift for me that is beyond words and my gratitude is deep and wide. 

We had lunch together - we talked, we laughed, we dissected the lies, talked about the plans and finally had a cake with thankfully less than 50 candles.

It was THE BEST morning - it was so well planned and so beautifully executed - my heart was over flowing.  It's easy to show up at a party or a dinner but none of this was easy and the thought, effort, intention and love that went into every detail is utterly humbling.

I was well loved, so well loved. 

I am so incredibly lucky.  

All the lies are forgiven.

xoxoxo

PS: Still not actually 50  - T-minus 6 days

It's coming

In less than two weeks there will be a great disturbance in the Force ... or something... and I will be 50.

A good number of my closest friends have already passed this milestone.

A good number of my friends are turning 50 in 2020 - Hello Grad class of 1987 

A good number of my friends think 50 is OLD

I am having trouble figuring what to think about turning 50 nevermind how I feel about it. 

It's doesn't feel like just another birthday.

It feels big - it feels like I should feel something big.

It's a taking stock kind of moment as the decade birthdays often are. 

So here's where I am tonight.

Tonight I am thinking of what I regret in my life so far:

I regret spending so much time worrying (not that I am likely to stop doing so)
I regret all the times I wasn't brave with my truth
I regret the times I said YES when I meant to say NO
I regret yelling at my kids - every time
I regret rushing  - not slowing down and being present in the moment
I regret the hours of my life I spent in the car outside an event because I/We were early (ok not really)
I regret not apologising sooner - or at all
I regret the times I said No when I meant to say YES
I regret the years I was fueled by fear
I regret I didn't reach out more - connect more - because I didn't feel worthy
I regret the times I sulked for days 
I regret letting relationships I cared about go 
I regret the times I snapped at someone or was sarcastic when they needed kindness
I regret not believing taking care of myself was a valid task
I regret not realising the end of something / or the beginning of something 
I regret every hug or kiss I missed because I was angry or hurt
I regret all the bacon (no I don't but maybe I should) 

I could go on... but I might regret that too... What I mean to say is that while I have SO much to be grateful for and there is so many more blessings and joys than these regrets... but to pretend they don't exist is to tell only part of my story. 

I guess one doesn't get to 50 with some missteps - big and small - but that I can say them out loud, or at least type them, must surely mean they shaped me into who I am - and I am learning to be ok with her.  With 50 year old Nicola Lesley Byres.  Some days I am even proud of her and some days I am excited to see what happens next. 

Tonight though, I am feeling like this is a good place to start the next couple of weeks of celebrating 50 trips around the sun.

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PS No Birthday greetings yet please - I have a few more days of my 40's to enjoy!

2000 - 2020

Well that snuck up on me and honestly if my colleague, with a brain for dates, hadn't pointed it out I would likely have missed it all together.  

I have been at this desk - this very desk as it turns out (welcome to non-profit life) - for 20 years today!

Truth be told I was at it before then but only on a contract for a few months before a baby boy arrived in my life.  

January 17th, 2000 I started at this job.

That seems completely crazy.  

That 2000 person with a newborn and a 2 year old seems a lifetime ago and yet.... and yet...it seems like yesterday.

I remember those first weeks so clearly.  I was working 2 jobs  - this one and one as a Ministry Social Worker -they were hectic, full days.  

I was such a rookie.  

I feel nothing but gratitude for all I have learned and for the ways I have grown.  It has not always been easy and last year was the hardest by far.  There have been the requisite highs and lows but I am richer for the people I have worked with and the families I have worked for. 

To live and work in my community is a gift - to see babies grow up and go to school and graduate highschool and university and... oh boy... I bet there will be some weddings soon.  

Our vision statement is "Changing the world by honouring childhood".  They jury may still be out on changing the world but this I know... I have been changed by my work.  It has shaped me, challenged me, brought me to my knees, lifted me up and taught me SO much.  

I was tempted for a moment to feel like a failure that I have been doing the same job for so long but those feelings were quickly changed to gratitude for all this journey has been.

What does the future hold?  

I have no real idea but I have lots of ideas and lots more to accomplish - early childhood and early childhood educators are my passion - to work in a job that holds both your intellect and your heart is a gift I won't easily give up. 

Thank you to all those that have worked alongside me, served on my Board, trusted us with your children, supported me... it takes a village to grow an Executive Director and this one is more grateful for her village than you could ever know.