Belonging

People speak about time off as being such a great thing.  

But time off can also mean the absence of routine and structure and for those of us who thrive on those things the loss of those leave gaps in time.  

The gaps are spaces to breathe and rest, yes, but also to be alone and in ones thoughts. 

I find this hard.  

I cycle back in my thoughts to the trauma of the last 4 months and relive it.  Over and over.  It is still my last thought as I go to sleep and often creeps into my head early in the morning.  Time off doesn't stop that.

On Monday I headed out to hike new terrain.  I love finding new places. This loop hike seemed perfect thanks to my Hiking guru friend for the suggestion!   When I saw the warning of a bear in the area I paused only briefly.  This, I thought, is real life practicing of Brave Space, I can do this.   Once I stopped jumping at every shadow and saw a few other hikers who appeared uneaten I settled down and enjoyed my hike immensely.  Until, that is, I came out in a parking lot I was not expecting - directly across the valley from where I thought I was. Never fear - I have trusty legs - I traversed the valley - no sign of bears and found my car again.  It was a lovely morning.

Yesterday was not lovely.  I rested in bed in the morning, dozing after a terrible sleep the night the night before.  I had CBC playing and I half listened half dozed the morning away.  But my anxiety was ever present.  I got up but I couldn't shake the restlessness.  I saw an email I didn't want to see and my heart took another thumping.  I went to the gym in hopes of distraction and to stretch my achy legs after my 11km hike. It was good.  It is a good place of acceptance and belonging and I couldn't do without it.  Without it's people.

Today I knew I needed to do something different - to get up and get out.  I woke up with the boys early but had a nap after they left for work.  At 9:30am I headed into the village in search of bacon.

This village is technically a suburb of the City of Richmond.  It's in the SW corner of the island and has a big fishing fleet.  It is a quaint area with shops and restaurants - ever changing yet somehow still maintains the village feel. It is a 10 minute walk from my front door. 

I went to the iconic Steveston Hotel for breakfast.  I was warmly greeted by my server and coffee. Amen.   I brought a book to read - I still feel a bit odd eating out alone.  I opened the book but, as usual, I was more interested in the various conversations going on at tables around me to really concentrate.  

Breakfast was exactly as it always is. Simple, hot, tasty. 

I wandered down to the waterfront and saw the tourists heading onto the whale watching boats.  I checked to see if any of the local Spot Prawns were selling but the sign said they would be back at 2pm.  


I wandered down towards my favourite village bookstore to get a coffee and that unmistakable and grounding smell of old books.  

On the way I heard someone call out my name.  I had a lovely sidewalk visit with an old friend I don't see often.  It was lovely to catch up.

I got to the book/coffee store whose delightful owner reminded me I had a free coffee on my card and made me a delicious free long americano.  As I was walking out I heard someone call my name.  I had another lovely chat with a friend also enjoying the book/coffee combination.

I popped into the Sweet Spot bakery to grab a quiche for later and as I stepped back onto the sidewalk I heard someone call my name.  Another lovely connection with another old friend and promise to have lunch soon. 

As I walked home I pondered the magic of my village and how just being in it for a brief time had left me feeling uplifted and .... seen. It struck me - what it offered me today, through the beautiful people I bumped into was...belonging.  

Belonging is powerful.  Being seen is powerful.   Hearing your name called out in friendship is powerful. 

I am home, baking cookies, marking assignments and listening to Mumford and Sons.  I am off to teach soon.  

My heart is still bruised and battered and I have a journey still to go but today I am feeling the well being of belonging.  

And I could not be more grateful.

It only takes a spark

Well well well

I have been absent from this space for a good while.  Although it has never been far from my mind. I have written many posts in my head but have not been able to get them onto the page.  

My head has been a messy place these past few months.  

Today I find myself sitting, in the middle of a Thursday afternoon, on a ferry instead of at my desk.

Yesterday I sent a note I never imagined sending to my leadership team and board. 

And today I am on leave.  

I have never been on leave for anything other than illness, surgery or vacation.

But on Monday I faced the fact, while sitting in my therapists office, that I have reached the end of my personal resources and need a break to heal body, mind and spirit. 

I am burnt out.... or at least the tiny flicker that is still alive is burning dangerously low. But it only takes a spark to get the fire going again and I need to save that spark.

One might expect it is easy to walk away, to take the break. 

It is not.  

There is shame and a sense of failure on more than one front. Failure of not having coped better with a traumatic event that happened at work in early January and the terrifying and incredibly hard media / social media fallout, failure to have cared enough for myself to stay the course, failure as a leader...as a partner, a friend, a parent... failure to see where I was headed.

That shame and fear kept me at my desk longer than was wise.  

And now I am on leave.  To make my therapist happy it would be for several weeks.  

But it is for 7.5 days.  

It's a start.

A start of healing.  A start of intentional self-care.  A start to regaining perspective.  A start to regaining my joy.  

I didn't get here in a day and I won't get out of this in a day.  Or 7.5 days but I took the first, very hard, step.  I am counting on Brene Brown to be correct in her assessment of vulnerability.  I feel very exposed and vulnerable right now. Adrift.

I'm sailing off to see my girl, my precious girl and have some Mama - Daughter time.  That makes my heart so happy.  And we'll sail back tomorrow and see our boys and the Byres 4 will be together for 48 hours... a beautiful kick start to my journey back to myself. 

As always on hard journeys there is much to be learned - about ourselves, about our tribe, about our capacity to persevere and endure. 

My tribe at home and at work have been steadfast and I am here thanks to them.  

I'm ok and I am back in this space to reclaim my voice. To rediscover my love of writing and sharing. 

Thank you for being here. Please feel no need to respond.  This is not for that.  It's for moving forward and growing and finding steady ground for my head and heart. 

Least Likely

In some North American school year books the Grade 12's have these comments under them...

"Most likely to be a supreme court judge"

"Most likely to own 100 cats" 

"Most likely to win an olympic medal" 

"Most likely to live in a van while travelling the world"

Of course seeing as I graduated from high school in South Africa I have no idea what might have been written about my future potential.

But this I know...

It would NOT have been "Most likely to be client of the year at a GYM"

But folks... that actually happened.  

There's lots that is amazing about about that but for me the most amazing part is that I do not look like a client of the year at a gym.  But the remarkable thing is that this gym is not like other gyms in many important ways.  And one way in which it is remarkable is that is sees people for who they are.  They see me, a still roly-poly middled, slightly uncoordinated and still physically flawed woman as strong (oh SO much stronger than when I started), determined (busting through barriers and constraints I had believed were unmovable) and fit (or fitter at least).  

Am I in single digits clothe sizes - nope. 
Are there still bits that jiggle more than they should - you betcha
Any chance I could be featured in "Fitness Weekly"? - hahahahahaha

And while my body is changing  - sloooowly but surely - the bigger win has been my mental health.  And much of that came from acceptance and encouragement from coaches who quietly gave / give me modifications to accommodate my gimpy arm and noticed when I could do things I hadn't previously been able to do and who high five me at the end of every class no matter how my performance was.  But also from other people we have met at the dojo who are also so encouraging, who crack the odd joke in the middle of hard set, who roll their eyes in solidarity at something we hate doing. 

In truth I feel a bit mortified that a very average person like me was given this award - but I am also proud that I did actually just keep showing up even when it felt like my whole body hurt, even when the "results" seemed so slow in coming and I was so discouraged.  

Exhibit A - post party brekkie 

I love good food too much to ever attain a 00 label in a pair of jeans.  And if I am honest that isn't on the cards anyway.  Because I am not it for that. I am in it to be the very best version of myself - with all my flaws and scars  - physically and mentally.  

I really don't have the words to say how totally shocked I was last night and how much it actually means to me to be seen and I most certainly wouldn't have got that plaque with my name on without a great number of people.  My sweetie Allan has been so supportive and  honestly if he wasn't as invested in this gym as me I am not sure how long I would have stuck it out - the fact that we go together a couple of times a week, as our schedules allow, has been a sweet addition to our empty-nest life.  My kiddo's come to the gym when they are home and they are such amazing cheerleaders to this Mama.  My parents, my usual suspects, my colleagues and friends have all been encouraging and noticed even the small changes. 

Pretty sure this was his expression when I signed up LOL

And Maki who owns and leads the gym  is a visionary and a heck of a hard worker.  He is a real person who makes his space and programs accessible and connects with his clients.  

His team of coaches are THE BEST and honestly they are the real reason any of us have any success and enjoy the workouts week after week.  I am so indebted to them for their kindness and professionalism and enthusiasm.  

A+ Coaches (in 70's party clothes!)

Ok ok this oscar-worthy thank you is nearly over  - I hear the music starting to play - but one more thing....

Don't ever count yourself out of anything - if it's fitness - get moving today and find your tribe - but if it's something else - get after it - find the motivation to start that thing - or find the people who can help you start  - but start - and hang in there - You have what it takes to be the best version of yourself and live your best life.  

See you on the journey.

As It Happens

We came home from the gym tonight - Friday at last - a big day, a tough week DONE. 

I readied dinner and Allan searched for a playlist and we popped a Prosecco. 

And then we remembered.

We remembered we needed to listen to something.

Allan hooked up his phone to the speakers and dialed us in to CBC Radio just before 6:30pm.

As we used to do every single night long, long ago.... in our first apartment in this new land we had arrived in... trying to find our place, our identity.  

Trying to understand what it was to be Canadian.  

After a few months in my parents basement we managed to get in to a housing co-op and we spent what little money we had on essentials - like a bed and a couch .  We bought this fantastic blue check ikea couch - man we loved that couch - it lived on in at least 2 friends apartments after we moved and replaced it.... but I think Allan and I miss it to this day....

Anyway...there was no money left for a TV that's for sure. 

But we had a radio.

So we'd come home from our jobs and as we made and ate dinner we would listen to CBC.  The "World at 6" followed by "As It Happens" followed by "Gzowski in the evening"......and we learned Canada as we listened.   We laughed, we puzzled, we raged, we teared up as we heard story after story after story from here and around the world. 

The day dismayed friends left a portable TV at our door we found ourselves very torn.  And notwithstanding the giant TV that hangs on a wall of our house now, we have remained devoted to CBC.  It wakes us up every morning.  

Tonight "As It Happens" celebrated 50 years of broadcasting.  And we ate our dinner and then moved to our coordinated-couches-not-from-IKEA, and we listened.  We did admirably well in the AIH trivia quiz and we laughed and I teared up at a listeners story of what AIH means to her.  We listened to old stories and new ones and we felt that same connection to this land, this place, these people.

In these days of "fake news" and media manipulation, a publicly funded broadcaster is a precious thing and I think we will forever listen to CBC at some point each day.

We've come a long way since that blue checkered couch that we spent days and nights on with our tiny babies who are now university students.  The Killers are now blaring, the brown lab that weaseled his way into our lives is cuddled up with Allan and we have our devices out checking in on our worlds.

We have changed so much but our gratitude at being able to live here in Canada, in British Columbia is deep and abiding.

We owe so much to so many who have befriended us, helped us, been our tribe, our village... and tonight we were reminded of that through the airwaves and the power of story.

Adventuring

After a big trip or life event it sometimes feels like getting back into routine is pretty darn boring.  But before my mother admonishes me that "only the boring are bored" I'll say this - life / routine can seem much less exciting than a trip, even a small trip.. but one can approach life / work / routine with a certain expectancy that there is excitement and adventure in the everyday.  For me this is a choice I have to make - I'm not going on big trips on a regular basis and I cannot afford  to be waiting around for an adventure to come by to make me happy / excited  - so in the choice/spirit of finding adventure in the ordinary - this new school year is unfolding with lots of new adventures in this household.

Allan's job continues to surprise him with twists and turns and trips as he navigates, and creates, his new path.  It's exhilarating and unsettling at the very same time and he is learning to live life not dictated by the bell, meeting lots of new people and forging alliances and developing connections as he goes. 

He was recently away at a conference for 5 days which is the longest I have been home alone with no kids - just me the dog - a new adventure for me.  It took a little getting used to, especially getting up to make my own tea in the morning but I muddled through.

This week I was off on an adventure.  I have been thinking about and dreaming of a different model of professional learning for Early Childhood Educators that I want to lead.  I could have forged ahead alone, with just my organisation, but I was compelled to stretch my tent and include some others to widen our reach.  It took a little courage to head south for 2 nights with people who I didn't necessarily know very well and who didn't all know each other.  But as they say - birds of a feather...and so it took very little time for us to all be getting along very well.  We were joined in our discussions and planning by our mentor/author/shero/friend and we accomplished a huge about of work in a day together that will play out over the next 12-15 months.  

It is such a privilege to have an idea / dream and see it take on shape and substance - a great lesson to me to invite in other perspectives and ideas and to stay in the process as we worked it all out. 

And we had a lot of fun along the way - many laughs, quite a few tears, a painful charcoal face mask and rather too many glasses of wine.  

We have somehow signed up for another warrior challenge / adventure at our gym but we have both had injuries lately so we are not excelling this time around... but there are a few weeks still to go and I am feeling strong again.  Allan had a back MRI and needs a little rehab adventure before he is back to full strength.  So we will warrior on as far as our bodies comply and so far they haven't asked us to do 500 pushups #grateful

The children adventure on at their respective universities and in their busy out-of-school lives with maturity and good humour.  I miss them like crazy but I am super proud of them as they find their way in the world.  I'll be delighted when they are at home at the same time for a few days over Christmas.

And Spanner is perhaps the less adventuring of us all now staying home instead of going to school... he has a friend who visits him in the middle of each day but if I was a dog psychologist I might have diagnosed him with mild depression.  We try and make up for it with lots of cuddles and walks when we are home but I think he misses all the kids. 

So there you have it - an ordinary / adventure update of sorts - as this gorgeous October comes to an end, the snow geese have returned as has the rain and the leaves are falling faster than we can rake them up!  Soon the festive season will be upon us and we'll do our best to focus on Hope, Joy and Love as the world around us often seems devoid of any. 

On chickens and their hatching

I am a "don't count your chickens before they hatch" kinda person.

It's not pessimism exactly. 

It's more about self preservation - waiting until a thing is FOR SURE before allowing those emotions to flow. 

Well

Today they flowed... right out of my eyes as it turns out.

Today I received a big brown box full of books I ordered.  

A book written by two of the leading lights in the field of Early Childhood Education in North America who have inspired and mentored me over a couple of decades now.  I truly see them as two of the biggest, deepest thinkers in the type of early childhood practice we aspire to provide.  They are multi-published authors, world travellers and speakers, sheroes of the field!

When they asked me if I would tell the story of our organisation ... in their book... I was floored.  

Me?  Us?  As we muddle through imperfectly?  

Their YES was emphatic.  Their reasoning humbling.

It was clear I would collaborate with my colleagues to tell our story.

We sat in my living room one day and started to write.  

Boy was it daunting and hard.  What to include, what to leave out... we second guessed every sentence and eventually we realised we had to send it off to be read by two accomplished writers and published authors and we took a deeeeeeep breath and hit send. 

I'd love to tell you that was it - they just loved it and voila we were published.... but that was not to be.  As we expected they had lots of questions, suggestions and guidance for us.  It was a total joy to have writing meetings via skype with them both  - we learned SO much and they were beyond gracious and encouraging.

Finally we submitted the FINAL draft and ..... nothing...... for months.... as the editors took over and the book designers weighed in etc. 

So we waited.  Quietly - only telling our nearest and dearest  - still somehow wondering if we'd make the final cut.

Well... we did... and today is a very good day. 


I'm proud of this little organization - I was the 9th staff member when I started part time in 1999.  Today we are 62 staff, 6 locations, serving over 250 families.  It has been such a rich journey of learning and failing and rising and refusing to concede and not counting chickens.  My team is incredible and passionate and brave and through hard days and tough times we have held on to our vision and values and our relentless belief in JOY and offered educators and children a rich, engaging environment to learn and grow in. I'm so lucky to lead them.

Today is a gift and an ode to perseverance and community and the pursuit of excellence in all circumstances.

Here's to chickens that hatch!

Making the Most

I come from a long line of women on my maternal side who are experts at Making the Most of any situation. 

My Irish Grandmother found herself in the colonies (Cape Town) with 4 children and a husband who worked 24/7 in their printing business.  While I am sure she, at times, was frazzled, money was tight, the kids annoying...she might have wished Grandpa was at home on Sundays to give her a hand.  What we do know is that she Made the Most of the situation and packed up a picnic and those 4 kiddos and headed to the printing house.  In what little time and resources they had they made the most of a Sunday together as a family.

When we first came to Canada and jobs and funds were tight and taking vacations seemed a long ways off and Sundays were long without our friends....My Mom (half irish if you're following the lineage) would round us up on a Sunday afternoon and take us all on a "cruise".... we'd walk onto a BC Ferry and sail through the islands to Swartz Bay - stay on the ferry when everyone else disembarked - and then eat dinner as the sun set as we sailed back.  It was a vacation and adventure and it certainly Made the Most of a quiet Sunday.

Today we were feeling the post vacation blues.  The first week back kicked our butts as we expected but there were some curve balls we didn't anticipate.  And though it was truly wonderful to see our boy yesterday it was a long day for us just-barely-over-jet-lag folks.  And this morning it was grey and rainy and there is a distinct Fall chill in the air. 

As I wandered around Save-On doing the groceries, giving myself a talking to about gratitude and expectations and sucking-it-up...I had an idea to Make the Most of today.  When I came home we spent a couple hour cooking, meal prepping and baking and then I set the table for lunch. 

It's pretty clear we're not in Paris-in-the-Summer anymore but we can Make the Most of what we do have - which today was bread, cheese, meat and a bottle of French red wine - throw in a jaunty tablecloth and some candles and voila! Parisienne lunch is Steveston.

We can't live in Paris-in-the-Summer all the time or else when we had Paris-in-the-summer it would not be as special as it was... but we can Make the Most of the moments we do have. 

Thanks to Granny Nora and my Mama for inspiring me and helping me remember .........