It only takes a spark

Well well well

I have been absent from this space for a good while.  Although it has never been far from my mind. I have written many posts in my head but have not been able to get them onto the page.  

My head has been a messy place these past few months.  

Today I find myself sitting, in the middle of a Thursday afternoon, on a ferry instead of at my desk.

Yesterday I sent a note I never imagined sending to my leadership team and board. 

And today I am on leave.  

I have never been on leave for anything other than illness, surgery or vacation.

But on Monday I faced the fact, while sitting in my therapists office, that I have reached the end of my personal resources and need a break to heal body, mind and spirit. 

I am burnt out.... or at least the tiny flicker that is still alive is burning dangerously low. But it only takes a spark to get the fire going again and I need to save that spark.

One might expect it is easy to walk away, to take the break. 

It is not.  

There is shame and a sense of failure on more than one front. Failure of not having coped better with a traumatic event that happened at work in early January and the terrifying and incredibly hard media / social media fallout, failure to have cared enough for myself to stay the course, failure as a leader...as a partner, a friend, a parent... failure to see where I was headed.

That shame and fear kept me at my desk longer than was wise.  

And now I am on leave.  To make my therapist happy it would be for several weeks.  

But it is for 7.5 days.  

It's a start.

A start of healing.  A start of intentional self-care.  A start to regaining perspective.  A start to regaining my joy.  

I didn't get here in a day and I won't get out of this in a day.  Or 7.5 days but I took the first, very hard, step.  I am counting on Brene Brown to be correct in her assessment of vulnerability.  I feel very exposed and vulnerable right now. Adrift.

I'm sailing off to see my girl, my precious girl and have some Mama - Daughter time.  That makes my heart so happy.  And we'll sail back tomorrow and see our boys and the Byres 4 will be together for 48 hours... a beautiful kick start to my journey back to myself. 

As always on hard journeys there is much to be learned - about ourselves, about our tribe, about our capacity to persevere and endure. 

My tribe at home and at work have been steadfast and I am here thanks to them.  

I'm ok and I am back in this space to reclaim my voice. To rediscover my love of writing and sharing. 

Thank you for being here. Please feel no need to respond.  This is not for that.  It's for moving forward and growing and finding steady ground for my head and heart.