Target acquired

When they hand you your baby in the hospital your first thought is NOT "I wonder if she/he will get a degree one day?"

Your thoughts are much more about whether you will survive the next 2 days with this entirely dependent new human you are supposed to know what to do with. 

Surprisingly soon in the life of the human, a person enters your life and wants to discuss a Registered Education Saving Plan.  If you are able you sign up the brand new human for lofty future goals.

When said child is 3 you wonder if they will actually live to realise the funds being set aside. 

Then they hit school and occasionally, when parentally expedient, you remind said child that studies are important and money is being saved and opportunities should not be squandered (aka do your damn dictee).

Highschool starts out and once Grade 9 and the mean girls and the awkward boys have been survived the words "Post Secondary" start to appear in your vocabulary.  

While you nightly pray they say "No" when necessary and pay the slightest attention to school work ...they start to dream dreams of spending their RESP.  You possibly plead with higher powers that it will be close to home...like a bus ride away.

And then suddenly there are University brochures on the kitchen counter and your daughter has carefully calculated the exact mark in each subject she needs to attain her University of choice and while the parents hold their collective breath she not only gets into said University but wins a scholarship.  A feat made utterly surprising by her complete lack of doing homework for 12 years of schooling.

That feat was achieved for Miss Lindsay B a little over 4 years ago.  

Tonight at 8pm after delivering her first solo presentation she will officially have a BA.Psych degree from the University of Victoria!!! 

To say we are proud is an understatement.  Of course for the way she has taken on her studies and done the work and passed the stats course and aced the psych and socio courses..... so proud.

But so much more than that we are proud of how she launched into the world and figured it out and grew up and matured and is a person who we absolutely adore and love being around. 

She navigated residence life with gusto  - our introvert pushed herself hard to connect and join clubs and teams and she found some people who will be forever friends.  She had a ball, learned how to haul laundry up three flights of stairs, how to do the bus-ferry-bus routine to get home, how to manage cafeteria food and pull pranks (and other things we delightfully know nothing about!)

And after that she opted to live alone in her first little apartment.  Boy that was a hard year... loneliness, illness, tequila-gate... she figured it all out out with a little help from home.  And a certain boy arrived on the scene on St. Patrick's Day at a party... of course!

3rd year and a whack-a-doodle land lady and a tiny shared suite.  Surf club in Tofino and figuring out dating and sharing space again. 

4th year - the best - a house with friends - best friends - lovely and loving friends and so many hikes and meals together and sharing life . Another oddball land lady well handled by mature girls who fought for their rights and won the day. 

And all the while working at a child care centre many many shifts a week as an Educator,  doing good and important work in sometimes trying circumstances.  While that RESP covered tuition she mainly worked to pay the rest with only a little financial help.  Cooking fantastic meals, doing yoga and going to the gym.  She traveled overseas with us and managed all the emotions of that trip.

And now - this final semester  - living with that Boy from 2nd year who we have all grown to love - in a beautiful apartment with a view of the ocean. 3 final courses - now DONE.

It's been an honour to watch her journey and we are sailing over to celebrate this weekend.  Not just the degree but all the living and learning she has done. 

Miss Lou... we love you to the moon and back and forever.

Congratulations !

Mom and Dad
xoxoxo

What 2019 taught me about POWER

(My report to the 2019 AGM)

I took a long time to decide on how to approach my report this year – my 20th AGM.  I usually spend time talking about the high points of the year, the achievements and accomplishments, the great and good things we did. 
Many good and amazing things did happen this year - However 2019 took a dark turn right off the bat on January 3rd.  And we started down a difficult and often devastating path.  As I tried to wrestle all that this year has thrown at us I came to see it in terms of POWER.   As with many things POWER has both positive and negative connotations and we have faced both aspects of POWER this year.   Come with me on an exploration of our journey alongside POWER this year. 

POWER OF ALLEGATIONS
An allegation is a story someone believes to be true.  But an allegation has to be investigated and proven for it to actually be true.  What I learned this year is that an allegation in and of itself, with or without investigation, and even after an investigation proves this allegation to be unsubstantiated – an allegation has the POWER to destroy.  Truth becomes a victim to the allegation and the allegation becomes the truth people hear and often believe.  
This awareness of the POWER of allegation has made me very cautious of the words I use.  Cautious of the stories and words I hear or read about and determined to seek the truth in all circumstances.


POWER OF SOCIAL MEDIA
I don’t think anyone needs convincing that media generally and social media specifically have immense POWER.  In the social media world fact and truth are often distorted or completely ignored and the viral, sensational photograph or sound bite is fanned by every share and like.  Even knowing this I was completely unprepared for the devastation of a social media campaign against us would cause.  In early January I was up monitoring social media for 48 hours straight, received over 160 personal messages and watched over 500 comments being made about our organisation which included threats of violence against me personally and against members of our staff.   I won’t dwell on this aspect of POWER as it is extremely painful to do so but I will record one moment of victory in all this mess was when the combined power of parents and a legal challenge caused Facebook, in a very rare move, to remove the post.   
I am more aware than ever that social media is a powerful medium for positive and negative and we all have a responsibility to be good digital citizens and consumers. 

POWER OF COMMUNITY
Let’s move on to a more positive aspect of POWER.  It is such a truism that when the chips are down you find your people, your community.  Just as the barrage of threats and vitriol reigned down on us we saw our community showing up.  Firstly I will forever be indebted to the Centres families for how they showed up for us in those dark days.  They not only showed up… they fought hard for us, loved us in practical ways and not one family left.  This is a testament to the staff at the centre.  They had solid, trusting relationships with families and it paid off BIG TIME.  Our colleagues in stood by us, stopping by with chocolates and cookies – the love language of all ECE’s, the  Board showed up, the staff teams across the society stood in solidarity, parents from other centres sent letters of support, past parents and past staff spoke up, colleagues near and far sent messages of concern….it was humbling and my gratitude for all of it is hard to express.

POWER OF REPUTATION
I have always know how important reputation is – how important the reputation of an organisation is.  I have seen our reputation grow over 20 years – heard people say they heard about us from their sister, friend, colleague, neighbour.  They heard we were “good”, that this was a good place for young children to be.  I saw those years of good reputation pushed right to the edge of the cliff this year but we did not go over that cliff.  We did not lose that reputation.  And why is that?  Because you cannot erase over 2 decades of moments of building relationships, of coming alongside families, of encouraging creativity, curiosity,  supporting competence.  The sum total of all that incredible, hard, messy work done by every ECE that has every worked for us equaled the power of our reputation when we needed it most. 
Let us never underestimate all those moments spent making us who we are – they matter.

POWER OF ADVOCACY
Advocacy is standing up for something you believe in.  It’s fighting for what you believe is right.  I have done this many times on many topics from being an anti-apartheid activist, to being a member of the Coalition of Child care advocates fighting for a national system of early childhood education in Canada to a new role I am learning about being and advocate for the planet and environmental issues. I have no doubt there are many advocates for many different issues in this room tonight.  Advocacy is powerful and I had a ringside seat to some profound advocacy this year.  The Board of Directors was called on to advocate hard this year and they never flinched.  They spent hours, many late at night and on weekends, reading, talking, writing and all in pursuit of advocacy for our work.  In particular the Board Executive have stood firm in defence of us and they continue to do so as the battle continues, the appeals and reconsiderations are ongoing and so is their advocacy.  I, on behalf of all of us, are deeply indebted to them for their time, their wisdom, their determination and their unflagging advocacy. 

POWER OF GOOD WORK 
Hard years come and go, they follow great years, precede ok years, are interspersed with awesome years.  What never changes – has never changed in my 20 years of being in this organisation – is the good work.  
This isn’t just any work.  This is life changing, world changing work – our vision statement is no joke, no letterhead tag line – it is the real guiding light of our everyday work – Changing the World by Honouring Childhood.
This honouring childhood means SO MANY things – it’s how the classroom looks,  it’s the books chosen, the art supplies offered, the songs sung, it's the tears wiped, the knees bandaided, the hard conversations with families, the collaboration with colleagues, it’s wiping noses,  giving hugs, setting boundaries, it’s laughing and taking deep breaths, it’s reading articles, preparing for family Fridays, it’s quietly rubbing backs at nap time and it’s running in the park…it is ALL OF THIS and it is everything in between all of this – the seen and the unseen, the obvious and the extra mile and is done by the incredible women sitting in this room.  They do the good, hard work everyday.  They are committed to the vision and do the work to move us towards it.  
Staff come and go and sometimes we are worn down by those changes but when I look out at the room tonight I am grateful for the role each ECE takes in our story.  
We do good work.  It is powerful.

POWER OF VULNERABILITY
Dr Brene Brown says “ Vulnerability is about showing up and being seen. It’s tough to do that when we’re terrified about what people might see or think. When we’re fueled by the fear of what other people think or that gremlin that’s constantly whispering “You’re not good enough” in our ear, it’s tough to show up. We end up hustling for our worthiness rather than standing in it.
We’re hungry for people who have the courage to say, “I need help” or “I own that mistake” or “I’m not willing to define success simply by my title or income any longer.”
I walked this very hard path this year and I came to a point of vulnerability – I had worked myself to a standstill fighting for the organisation, for the centre, for my colleagues.  I was determined and relentless in showing up … until I couldn’t do it anymore.  Until I shed some of the first tears in my career at work and I needed to step aside and show up for my own sanity.  Sending an email to the Board and my colleagues saying I needed time to rest and process, and some help to do that was a moment that brought me to my knees... but in a powerful way it brought me back to myself and to my WHY.  When I gained some perspective on long walks on the dyke, in my therapists office, in the embrace of my family and friends I found my strength renewed.  I found my strength in seeing the work you all do, the way you all show up, day after day.  I was humbled and I was grateful.  I want to read this well known quote by Theodore Roosevelt and I am putting it up for you to read it as I do.

We were all in the arena this year and no doubt 2020 hold arenas for us all but let’s dare greatly together and keep showing up for ourselves, for one another and for the children and families counting on us to do so.

POWER OF HOPE
Willpower, determination, and strength alone will not help to overcome whatever we are struggling with. Sure, they are important characteristics. However, the key ingredient that makes everything else possible is hope. 
Hope seems so intangible, easy to say but hard to really grasp.  “I hope things get better” is a platitude we easily pass on to anyone struggling. And we should offer that because hope is a life preserver thrown into rough seas that we can cling to and I know I did.  
In our work there is SO much to HOPE for – it is the powerful driving force of all we do because we hope for the very best for our Educators, for every child and the people attached to that small person, parents, siblings, grandparents, aunties, uncles, godparents, friends… Hope is the pebble thrown into a pond that sends out rings that carry us forward.
I am filled – to the very top of my fast greying head – with HOPE for our organisation.  We have work to do and such amazing ECE’s to do it and Families who have given us their great trust and support – just imagine what we – TOGETHER - can accomplish. 
I am with Barbara Kingsolver when she says “The very least you can do in your life is figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof” 

FINALLY – The POWER OF STORY
2019 told a story of life in this organisation – but it is only 1 chapter in a 22 chapter book so far.  2020 will tell a new story and so far as we can we will build on all that we have learned in 2019 and write a new story – a hopeful, joyful one that moves us to live into our vision of “Changing the world by honouring childhood”.

Shelter In Place

When you live in an earthquake zone you learn a certain lingo as you prepare for the BIG ONE.  

That shaker that will bring the region to its knees - sometime in the future - could be tomorrow or in 100 years.  

We do drills and count to 60 slowly before emerging from under desks or tables or behind couches. 

And then we assess if we can "shelter in place" if the building is safe or if evacuation is needed. 

"Shelter in place" is the best case scenario as we wait out the chaos outside using the emergency rations we have carefully prepared to be self-sufficient for 72 hours... you've done that right?  

I digress. 

I am on stress leave.  

That I needed more than 7.5 days likely does not come as a shock to you. 

So I have been trying to take a few more days.  

It was going well.  I was doing things that made my heart happy - that connected me with people I love - that helped me get perspective.  I had hikes and beach walks planned.

And then as I was heading to water my veggies on Tuesday afternoon I made a maneuver I make everyday - a u turn outside my house - but my intentions were misunderstood by the driver behind me  (possibly because I didn't signal) who went to overtake as I went to swing around - KABOOM.   

It's hard to describe that moment of impact if you have never experienced it - and it was right into my driver side.  Thoughts swirl and tumble through your head as you try and make sense of what just happened.  The other driver was on the other side of his vehicle and fine if a bit shaken up and no doubt disbelieving that his brand-new-first-ever-car was just clobbered.  Of course it was in our neighbourhood and we know him.  It was my fault - despite all my careful checking and believing the path was safe and I have a fine to prove it :(

As I tried to come out of the fog of shock and started to feel the effects of having ones body hammered by a car - I tried not to throw up and pass out.  Fortunately Allan was there in a moment and he handled most of the aftermath for me.  

I ended up at a clinic and have whiplash on the left and some lovely bruises and aches and pains.  

Bad enough at any moment ...but now... right now...in my world.... it's a struggle to make sense of. 

I got back behind the wheel yesterday and boy was that hard and sweat inducing.  And I taught my last class last night because that what I do. 

But today - today I "sheltered in place" - I needed to stay in bed for a few hours to rest - I actually slept for 2 hours (ok 1h 40 mins) this morning....I lay in bed trying to wake up for another hour. 

It felt like an escape - a little white oasis in the storm - I think I could have stayed there all day but I had 10 emails and 4 texts and a work crisis to deal with and a batch of long promised cookies to bake. 

It is 8:15pm now and I as soon as I hit post on this I am headed back to my bed.  It's still bright daylight outside and it's hot and stuffy upstairs but I'd bet my crumpled silver Mazda 5 that I'll be asleep pretty darm soon. 

And tomorrow I intend to "shelter in place" just as long as the world allows. 

PS: Anyone have a great Car Broker who can save me the pain of new car shopping?  

Belonging

People speak about time off as being such a great thing.  

But time off can also mean the absence of routine and structure and for those of us who thrive on those things the loss of those leave gaps in time.  

The gaps are spaces to breathe and rest, yes, but also to be alone and in ones thoughts. 

I find this hard.  

I cycle back in my thoughts to the trauma of the last 4 months and relive it.  Over and over.  It is still my last thought as I go to sleep and often creeps into my head early in the morning.  Time off doesn't stop that.

On Monday I headed out to hike new terrain.  I love finding new places. This loop hike seemed perfect thanks to my Hiking guru friend for the suggestion!   When I saw the warning of a bear in the area I paused only briefly.  This, I thought, is real life practicing of Brave Space, I can do this.   Once I stopped jumping at every shadow and saw a few other hikers who appeared uneaten I settled down and enjoyed my hike immensely.  Until, that is, I came out in a parking lot I was not expecting - directly across the valley from where I thought I was. Never fear - I have trusty legs - I traversed the valley - no sign of bears and found my car again.  It was a lovely morning.

Yesterday was not lovely.  I rested in bed in the morning, dozing after a terrible sleep the night the night before.  I had CBC playing and I half listened half dozed the morning away.  But my anxiety was ever present.  I got up but I couldn't shake the restlessness.  I saw an email I didn't want to see and my heart took another thumping.  I went to the gym in hopes of distraction and to stretch my achy legs after my 11km hike. It was good.  It is a good place of acceptance and belonging and I couldn't do without it.  Without it's people.

Today I knew I needed to do something different - to get up and get out.  I woke up with the boys early but had a nap after they left for work.  At 9:30am I headed into the village in search of bacon.

This village is technically a suburb of the City of Richmond.  It's in the SW corner of the island and has a big fishing fleet.  It is a quaint area with shops and restaurants - ever changing yet somehow still maintains the village feel. It is a 10 minute walk from my front door. 

I went to the iconic Steveston Hotel for breakfast.  I was warmly greeted by my server and coffee. Amen.   I brought a book to read - I still feel a bit odd eating out alone.  I opened the book but, as usual, I was more interested in the various conversations going on at tables around me to really concentrate.  

Breakfast was exactly as it always is. Simple, hot, tasty. 

I wandered down to the waterfront and saw the tourists heading onto the whale watching boats.  I checked to see if any of the local Spot Prawns were selling but the sign said they would be back at 2pm.  


I wandered down towards my favourite village bookstore to get a coffee and that unmistakable and grounding smell of old books.  

On the way I heard someone call out my name.  I had a lovely sidewalk visit with an old friend I don't see often.  It was lovely to catch up.

I got to the book/coffee store whose delightful owner reminded me I had a free coffee on my card and made me a delicious free long americano.  As I was walking out I heard someone call my name.  I had another lovely chat with a friend also enjoying the book/coffee combination.

I popped into the Sweet Spot bakery to grab a quiche for later and as I stepped back onto the sidewalk I heard someone call my name.  Another lovely connection with another old friend and promise to have lunch soon. 

As I walked home I pondered the magic of my village and how just being in it for a brief time had left me feeling uplifted and .... seen. It struck me - what it offered me today, through the beautiful people I bumped into was...belonging.  

Belonging is powerful.  Being seen is powerful.   Hearing your name called out in friendship is powerful. 

I am home, baking cookies, marking assignments and listening to Mumford and Sons.  I am off to teach soon.  

My heart is still bruised and battered and I have a journey still to go but today I am feeling the well being of belonging.  

And I could not be more grateful.

It only takes a spark

Well well well

I have been absent from this space for a good while.  Although it has never been far from my mind. I have written many posts in my head but have not been able to get them onto the page.  

My head has been a messy place these past few months.  

Today I find myself sitting, in the middle of a Thursday afternoon, on a ferry instead of at my desk.

Yesterday I sent a note I never imagined sending to my leadership team and board. 

And today I am on leave.  

I have never been on leave for anything other than illness, surgery or vacation.

But on Monday I faced the fact, while sitting in my therapists office, that I have reached the end of my personal resources and need a break to heal body, mind and spirit. 

I am burnt out.... or at least the tiny flicker that is still alive is burning dangerously low. But it only takes a spark to get the fire going again and I need to save that spark.

One might expect it is easy to walk away, to take the break. 

It is not.  

There is shame and a sense of failure on more than one front. Failure of not having coped better with a traumatic event that happened at work in early January and the terrifying and incredibly hard media / social media fallout, failure to have cared enough for myself to stay the course, failure as a leader...as a partner, a friend, a parent... failure to see where I was headed.

That shame and fear kept me at my desk longer than was wise.  

And now I am on leave.  To make my therapist happy it would be for several weeks.  

But it is for 7.5 days.  

It's a start.

A start of healing.  A start of intentional self-care.  A start to regaining perspective.  A start to regaining my joy.  

I didn't get here in a day and I won't get out of this in a day.  Or 7.5 days but I took the first, very hard, step.  I am counting on Brene Brown to be correct in her assessment of vulnerability.  I feel very exposed and vulnerable right now. Adrift.

I'm sailing off to see my girl, my precious girl and have some Mama - Daughter time.  That makes my heart so happy.  And we'll sail back tomorrow and see our boys and the Byres 4 will be together for 48 hours... a beautiful kick start to my journey back to myself. 

As always on hard journeys there is much to be learned - about ourselves, about our tribe, about our capacity to persevere and endure. 

My tribe at home and at work have been steadfast and I am here thanks to them.  

I'm ok and I am back in this space to reclaim my voice. To rediscover my love of writing and sharing. 

Thank you for being here. Please feel no need to respond.  This is not for that.  It's for moving forward and growing and finding steady ground for my head and heart.