Rainy Day

It was raining today 19 years ago..... so I'm told.

I didn't see the weather 19 years ago today.  

I spent the day in a dimly lit room, monitors humming and beeping, the rustle of paper, quiet voices......

It was the days before birth plans with playlists and meditation and yoga. 

It was in the days of a) praying you didn't go in to the labour and delivery ward too early and get turned away (oh the shame!) or b) praying you'd make it to the hospital before the baby was born.

Or is that how it is for all first time parents birth plan or no birth plan?

That terrifying moment when you realise an actual baby is trying to get out of your body and will expect you to actually know what the heck to do with it when it escapes the womb.  

The theory is all gone.

This is reality.  

Before long the dim lights turned bright, the beeps more insistent,  the voices more intense and my grip on Allan's t-shirt tighter and tighter.

With requisite drama and angst needed for a good birth story, a quiet and alert baby girl arrived in the early evening of May 28th, 1997.

19 years ago. 

Utterly, utterly perfect. 

I am both dismayed and delighted that today a beautiful, smart, determined, sassy, kind, funny young woman will dance by my side, in the rain, at a concert as we celebrate who she has become.

I knew when I bought the concert tickets the chance of rain was high - we have had many, many birthday parties on rainy days over the years - but we crossed our fingers and believed in global warming but alas... tonight, after the ID  me  her trying to get into the beer garden, we'll dance in the puddles and mud.

It's been an amazing journey to this point - she has never failed to figure out everything that she has faced through her life, with a fierceness and loyalty and sense of justice and with a grace and intelligence that belies her age.

I am so excited to watch her spread her wings and fly into her future.  

My beloved girl, my daughter, my Lindsay Lou..... I love you forever.

Happy Birthday.

Recipe

Recipe for Nicky's perfect Saturday

Ingredients:

1. Sun (can substitute for cloudy if no precipitation)

2. Peeps (as many Byres as possible - today only 3 because 1 is in Kelowna getting a sneak peek at his summer digs)

3. Destination (anywhere will do but prefer new ground to cover - today downtown Van-City - east-ish)

4. Good coffee (prefer hipster vibe with excellent, local, organic, hand-roasted beans made into superb, smooth, creamy long Americano)

5.  Baked goods. Duh.

6. Cool shops (prefer realistic prices for cool goods but hello. Vancouver.) 

7. Book stores (old, cluttered, musty - mmm)

8. Architecture (prefer red brick but geometric buildings can be substituted)

9.  Alley ways

10. A non-descript restaurant with unbelievable ramen, pork belly in pork broth (no substitute acceptable - if you can get a window seat and watch downtown east side life unfold outside, even better)

11. Transit (no parking issues and more people watching)

12. Happy puppy

13.  Tea in the backyard - in a t-shirt - in May

14. Gardening (growing good green stuff and processing piles of local strawberries)

15.  More peeps for dinner - lamb BBQ.

16. Dessert donuts from Downtown (with a hunky hubby)

17. Music 

18. Booking a small getaway

19. Honey Jack Daniels

20. My jammies and a good book.


Method:
Mix together, smile and count your blessings.

Mothers Day Eve - A reflection on a gift

I am not the biggest fan of Mother's Day.  I don't like the pressure around gifts and decisions about what to do and what to eat (ok maybe the what to eat part isn't so bad).

If I am honest - this role - the mother role - is one I have lacked confidence in in myself.  

It is impossible to know if you are doing it right.

It is impossible to know how many ways you might be screwing it up.

I took on the role more pragmatically than emotionally.  

It was time.  We had been married 7 years. 

And as the cliche goes ... as soon as I saw that squiggly little alien on the ultrasound machine I was undone.  

And when she, and then later, her brother were finally placed in my arms I was in a blind panic.  

And totally in love. 

But mostly terrified. 

And so the tension of mothering continues to this Mother's Day eve.  

But this year I approach with a little more confidence. 

Not just because 19 years later they are both still alive... but because they gave me the gift of confidence. 

Last year on Mothers Day they gave me a jar with "52 Reasons we Love You".  Little brown packages tied up with string, one for every week of the last year.  

I mostly forgot to to open one every week so every few weeks I would walk by the dresser and unroll a few.

It is beyond a gift to read your children's thoughts about you as their mother, as a person.  

I have been humbled, I have cried, I have laughed out loud, I have felt my heart squeeze and I have stared in disbelief ... each and every little package of words went straight to my heart.

To be fair this was a year ago 

But with each one, each word carefully penned, I have felt the the invisible, internal  "mom-confidence-barometer" rise a notch. 

In a beautiful and authentic way my children have made me a better Mother this year and that is gift I will treasure and live into the worthiness of.  

I couldn't have walked this journey nearly as ably without an incredible co-parent who has supported and challenged and listened and guided me.  He has allowed me to find my rhythm and called me back when I lost my way at times. Allan - thank you. 

Lindsay, David...being your Mom is a joy beyond any you could imagine.  My heart nearly bursts out of my chest with pride for who each of you is as a person.  The depth of my gratitude for your gift 52 weeks ago is deeper than I can really express in words. 

I love you both to the moon and back to infinity and forever. 

In the end all I knew was that I loved them, and that I always would, and it turns out, that was enough.

Beautiful Days

I love that some of you miss me when my blog is quiet... I appreciate the love.

This spring has arrived in such a lovely way...warm days, long evenings, beautiful sunrises and sunsets, the greening of the leaves and grass, the crazy growth of plants...and just in time the Masters had a 3 week break. 

I have been allowing the beautiful days to restore my soul.  

I'm not sure I realized just how much I needed these days to walk and garden and chat and cook and be with my peeps. 

I know the masters is only for a season (and that I am actually not doing the hard work )but it's a tough season and we'll learn to relish these little breaks. 

Having both the kids home and spending some time doing things around the house and in the yard together, ordinary stuff, fills my heart right up.

Add to that some fun events, great times with friends, good food, projects completed, long walks, celebrations... and all is quite well in my world tonight.

So that's it.  

Blessed with beautiful days.

Happy.

Xoxo