Change...It's possible

I often frustrate myself (and maybe others ;) by reacting to things in the same way over and over again when every time I vow that next time I will react differently. When I WANT to react differently.

I resolve not to scream at the kids and then I find myself screaming again.  And regretting again. 

I have done enough therapy and read enough Brene Brown to know how to connect rather than isolate when I am angry with my spouse.  And yet we go to bed angry and lonely after a fight.

I vow I will be more organised, start Christmas shopping earlier, be more present with friends.....and weeks pass and I allow myself to be caught up in the busyness over and over again.

The gap between the ideal, mature me I imagine and the regular, fallible, me that most often shows up is often a yawning chasm.  Frustratingly so.

This week I was gifted a really messy, nasty situation.  A lot of accusations and anger was hurled my way.  Delivered with a threatening tone.

I read the email on my phone while I was out of the office.  Later listened to the angry voicemail.

The familiar feelings of shock came quickly, the shaky bones feeling, the lagging brain trying to keep up with what I was reading (that blessed fog that gives you a few minutes to gather yourself before the reality sinks in), the pounding of my heartbeat in my ears.

I walked out of the restaurant to my car somewhat numb and something interesting happened.

My usual default reactions are A) Defensive anger leading to impulsive action (possibly vindictive if I am going to be honest) or B) allowing the gremlin voices of shame and doubt and unworthiness take over leading to shutdown and inaction and hit to my self esteem.

But in THIS moment I was able to hold myself from going in either direction.  

Three things happened: 

1) I prayed for myself and for the attackers  - for grace for all involved.  2) I recalled a segment from Elizabeth Gilbert's new book that I am reading (Big Magic) that asserts that my job is to DO the work, whatever it may be, and that I should not base my self worth on the reaction of anyone to that work.  That the work is worthy in and of itself and to allow others to determine your worth based on their reaction or perception of your work is, at best, unhelpful and at worst destructive. 3) I held on to the perspective that those who launch such attacks reveal more about themselves than they do about the person they are attacking.

And in those moments I let the anger and the self doubt come in, to visit for a while and then I showed them the door - the door out of my head and my heart - in quite a conscious way.  My heart stopped pounding and I felt the dispassionate calmness that allowed me to carry on.

After a brief cry because some things don't change it seems. Tears are tricky things - they sneak over the barriers we erect. Maybe that's ok too. I wiped the tears.

So despite a pretty jagged day I am comforted, if not downright delighted, that I didn't sink into 
old patterns.  I found a new way to react to a trigger.  It felt SO good.  I gave myself time to react.  
I carefully considered the person/s I was reacting to while checking in with my own values about people and communication and in this case my work - I wasn't about to let them drag me back to old reactions, even towards them.  Even if it would have felt justified.  Even if I had a LOT I could have said.

So as if often the case when adversity comes, I learned a lot.  I learned I can change. I learned I am not hostage to old, unhelpful patterns of behaviour.   Maturity is not a mirage, it is attainable .(THANK goodness for that right? Phew!)

And that my friends is BIG Magic! 

PS - I also learned that my FB peeps are always there for me - you guys are an army - you make me feel strong and loved!! THANK YOU! xoxo

To plan or not to plan

There is a theory in manufacturing and production called "JIT" or "just in time".  Inventory arrives "Just in time" so no need to hold a lot of inventory or store much etc.

It has always made me uneasy.  "Just in time" leaves too much room for "out of stock" or "sorry no product available", not to mention things like power outages or zombie apocalypse...

However I assume minds much brighter than my own had looked through all the contingencies and logistics and economics and who was I "woman of plan B, C, D, E and F" to argue?

In my own life planning is my thing.

I not only plan for the actual event or thing but I also plan for (not just think about but actually plan for) a range of eventualities like variables in weather, attendees, souffle collapses, nose bleeds, zombie apocalypse etc.

And yet lately an odd thing has started to happen.

I have been very busy and my planning ahead has suffered.  Of course scaling back on the number of things I had to plan didn't occur to me.

As my planning time became constrained I ended up doing things rather last minute or "just in time".

It has been amazing to me that on several occasions I had the exact bright idea or found the thing I needed with only 24 hours or less until I had to deliver/show up.

And shockingly the result was pretty much as good as if I had planned it for weeks, at least to those on the receiving end!

WHAT?

Last night was my annual Art Auction Fundraiser for work.  An event that requires me to be Executive Director-ish in behaviour and appearance.  I usually get a dress.
I did try on 5000 (I wish I was joking) dresses with a few days to spare and nothing worked.
So with a little over 24 hours to go and despite the recent lessons of "Just in Time" I had little expectation I could actually pull this off - I had a back up outfit picked out.  But I found myself with 20 minutes to spare, within shooting distance of a dress shop, which had not other customers.  So I  walked in and declared to the two delightful ladies working "Hello!  I need a dress for a smart work event. Tomorrow.  It needs to fit perfectly and cost no more than $xx and I have to like it. GO". 20 minutes later I walked out with 2 /TWO/ DEUX dresses and some serious underwear to suck and lift in all the right places!

Just in time.

So here I am left with a dilemma.

Can I trust this "Just in time" method of living life or shall I revert to my old (over) planning ways.

I suppose there is a middle ground in there somewhere?

Maybe I will find it, just in time?

Thankful I am

This weekend was long anticipated when we waved Lindsay goodbye at UVic and she said - "See you at Thanksgiving". 

It seemed a long way away and thankfully she made it home unexpectedly a couple of weeks ago for a flying visit.

But this time 4 night as a family of 4 again!  

After a challenging journey of buses and ferries she made it home Friday night and catches the ferry back early tomorrow.

We've had a typical busy long weekend.

David had 4 soccer matches in a tournament that was frustrating as they played two teams "below" them and won handily and then play two teams in the division "above" them and lost very physical and hard games. One played in sideways driving rain.  His body was unsurprisingly tired and a little sore last night!

Allan had Masters class all day Saturday so Lindsay and I and our buddy Emily headed downtown Van on a variety of errands and explorations. Once the rain started we sought shelter at Burdock and Co for a delicious brunch.  We did a little more shopping but decided a cozy afternoon at home seemed in order.

Once all the Byres were home from school and soccer and shopping we decided to reprise our 15 year tradition of "Family Feast Night" ...a meal of several small plates and a movie. It was a lovely cozy evening that filled up my heart,

Sunday started early with waffles to fuel a full day of meal prep, more soccer and Lindsay's first participation in a Federal election.  She voted in an advanced poll.  

By 5 o'clock the kitchen was full of family and friends and the smells from the oven tantalizing.  We convinced my Dad to give up on turkey this year in favour of prime rib!  I am seldom happier than when my kitchen is full.  3 generations,  wonderful friends, good food, good drinks, music and the chatter of various conversations filling the air... spontaneous hugs, lots of laughter. 

THIS is my happy place!

We enjoyed a beautiful meal at our newly (if hastily) expanded dining table.  Lindsay topped the meal with this beauty!

We all have so much to be thankful for...our friends placed cards on our seats with greetings as well as the information that they had made a gift to Union Gospel Mission on our behalf...a timely reminder that to whom much is given much is expected.  On my own heart is the plight of so many refugees in Europe and what I, we, might do in response to those with so much less, in so much suffering.

The holiday monday heralded a very very rare day that no alarm was needed.  Hallelujah!  And a lazy morning was had by all as the rain fell. 

Lindsay and I made a brief foray to the Mall in search of an outfit for me to wear to our upcoming Art Auction next weekend but alas we struck out.  Allan took David for a driving lesson and as I type Lindsay is making gnocci for a casual dinner.

Ahhh....democracy, friends, family, home, food, conversation, connection...and SO much more!

#blessed

Camp

A couple of times each summer I get up at an ungodly hour and take my kids to a boat on which they sail away to summer camp.  They have the best time. Good friends, good food, lots of activities, good discussion and conversation.  They come back tired yet refreshed, sun kissed and exuberant and content.

In many ways this past weekend was an upscale adult version of camp.

We got up way too early on Saturday and sailed on a ferry on a crisp but sparkling October morning to Nanaimo BC with our dear friends.  Over a delicious and nutritious BC ferry breakfast (wink wink) we chatted, caught up on our weeks, discussed the coming federal election and much more.

After arriving we made a short detour before the lake to visit the hunting, fishing, camping mega store Cabelas where the boys were lost in fly fishing world for a bit while I helped nature educator extraordinaire EV chose a knife and merino socks for future forest adventures. I think my forbearance in a store holding practically zero interest to me earned me some friend/spouse brownie points!

Soon we arrived at the beautiful lakefront home of friends newly relocated to this part of the world. 

What a spot they have! And what a great time we had.

Good delicious wholesome food with unrivaled views, sun on our faces, content chattering.  

Some napped, some watched soccer on TV, some sat on the dock... Everyone relaxed.  

When energy returned we went out in the boat to tour the lake, the boys took to the water in search of fish , the girls kayaked....and as afternoon slid into evening a fire was made, more food prepped and decent bottle or two of red wine were cracked.  The incessant rising of fish lured the fishermen back to the dock, Guiness in hand, as the sun set and the fire crackled.

A glorious meal was enjoyed and the Whitecaps cheered as we nodded off on the couches.

A truly lovely day was declared done at fairly early hour and we headed to bed.

Early to bed meant early to rise and soon the smell of coffee lured even the reluctant out of bed on another crisp sunny day. 

Boys headed out in kayaks with fishing rods ever optimistic in their quest. The girls headed to the ocean to walk along the harbour while our host cooked up a pile of waffles, and bacon.

A leisurely brunch of delicious fruit and yogurt and a spirited discussion on the merits of maple vs Aunt Jemima syrup (just to reassert our Canadianess) and then decisions on how to spend our remaining few hours...the boys roamed the neighbourhood and the girls retired to the dock. When the boys returned everyone was on the dock and for a very brief few minutes everyone just sat and enjoyed the sun and water.  But soon the boys were back at the fishing and finally a pan-fry-able trout was hauled in and camp was sadly over.

We left our dear friends at their gorgeous spot, grateful for their warm and unfussy welcome and hospitality...and headed to a very full ferry ride home.. Still with much to chat about over burgers and fries and a sit in the sun.

I felt like I escaped to camp for a while.  It was delightful and relaxed and just what I needed.

I'm so grateful for friends to share life with, to explore with, to cook and kayak and chat with... Thank you Vera's and Jacques ... I heart you.

Let's do camp again... Soon! 

September

Boom. September shows up and in two blinks it seems it is over.

Every year.

No matter how prepared I am September is exhilarating and exhausting. 

This one seemed more so with all the changes in our home and in my work.

Our girl not being around is hard and different.  I miss her.  But I am so very proud of how she is tackling being away at University.  So confident and poised and smart about it all.  Predictably not loving the food and struggling to sleep in a noisy environment but enjoying new friendships, her classes (especially Computer Science and Sociology) and getting involved in campus life including yoga and kick boxing fitness classes and a win in the Res Soccer game yesterday!  Also having the odd daytime nap I hear.  :)

She made one very quick trip home with a new friend and it was so lovely to hear all her stories and be able to love on her a bit.  And send her home with a big bag of good food! 

Here at home we are settling into the new rhythm of a family of 3, of soccer season, of the school year.  It is giving us more David time and that is good too.  Never short of a topic to chat about he is good company and he is spending some time int he kitchen with us too.

His new school schedule has been off to a good start.  The Online component seems to be going well with a small co-hort and two great mentor teachers.  They are off to Strathcona Outdoor Education Centre this week to build their relationships.  And do some Whitewater canoeing. Yikes.  David loves that place so much and is so excited to be going back for the 4th time.  

So our house will be truly quiet this week.

Allan has had a good start to his school year and to his Masters Program.  His first assignments are underway and he is lucky to have a colleague from his school also doing the program so they can collaborate at times.  I think he's feeling energized and a little stretched to be back at the studies but not overwhelmed by the work..yet.  Full day Saturday classes are intense though and also dent fishing time at a time of dwindling fishing days as the Fall moves in.

And me.  I have finally, after 2-3 years of planning and waiting, been able to hire an HR/Admin Director to work with me.  It is truly a much anticipated step in our organisation and for me personally.  I know it came about a year too late in terms of coping well with my workload and as we reorganize workloads and tasks I feel great relief but I am going to have to reckon with my own fatigue at some point.  I am excited to be able to have the time and space to pursue some long held dreams and plans I have for my leadership at work and I'm grateful for that.

The long hot summer seemed to cool rapidly into an early Fall.  The trees are turning, the air is crisp and as many many people embrace this season, my heart misses the long summer days and evenings.  The early dark seems a bit oppressive this year and certainly challenges my ability to get my fitbit steps in everyday (not to mention the rain!).  

So after many chores in the kitchen this crisp, sunny Sunday (tomato sauce from fresh tomatoes, oven roasted beets, ginger cookies) I am headed out to walk and think and count those steps in brightness.  And tonight the lunar eclipse and super moon should be visible in the cloudless sky.

September....... thanks for kicking my butt for another year.  

You talkin' to me?

Have you ever had that experience at a talk or lecture or sermon when you suddenly feel like the speaker is speaking directly to you? That the words coming across the air to you were meant for your ears only?

It is at once unsettling and exciting.  

You lean in to hear this message meant just for you and yet I always wonder what the words may require of me...

To be quite honest I have such a busy internal conversation it's pretty miraculous anything gets through the internal chatter.

I'm acutely aware of this at the moment as I have taken a couple of gentle yoga classes the last couple of weeks.  It is a gentle and quiet practice with lots of time for thinking and lots of encouragement to relax and still the mind.  

It's restorative.

Stilling the mind is a thing I am completely useless at and lets not forget the last time I tried yoga was disastrous.  But I am one very tired person at the moment.  Some might say exhausted.  Some might say borderline burnout.  And some might be concerned at creeping depression.  

So I was ready to grasp at any straw to help me relax, help my body be less achy, my mind less restless and my heart less melancholy. 

The meditation and total relaxation at the end of this class after an hour of stretching and breathing deeply calmed me in a way seldom else ever has.  I breathed out my concerns and fears and meditated on things I am grateful for.  I was never tempted to fall asleep like the lady next to me whose gentle snores punctuated the quiet music and the teachers lilting voice.  

I just let myself be. 

It was beautiful.

A beautiful friend who has stayed close through the transitions of the last few weeks gifted me a gratitude journal that I have been staring at for a few days, not feeling like I was up for starting it but nevertheless it has made me mindful of things to be grateful for.

And so today when, sitting in church after many weeks away, the reading included Matthew 11:28..."Come to me all who are weak and heavy laden and I will give you rest."...... the modern translation The Message puts it like this.... 

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

Well that hit me right between the eyes, or right in the heart, to be precise.  I'm sure those words were meant for me today.  I was ready to hear them. I need to slow down.  I need to rest.  I need to re-calibrate both my heart and my mind.  

I need to learn the unforced rhythms of grace.

Team Building

My colleague Jennifer and I have been a team of two for about two years now.  

On Monday we add a long awaited 3rd person to our team - a dream come true.

At the year-end on Aug 31 each team was gifted  "Fun Money" to do a team event that was fun.  Jennifer had a brilliant idea and did some research while I was away and I booked us on a walking tour which we did yesterday.

Ok a walking AND eating tour... a company called "Off the Eaten Track" offers a 2 hour walking tour of Vancouvers Food Trucks / Food Carts.  This was a tour perfect for Jennifer and I who have often done our best thinking and talking over food.  We both love food trucks.  

We met our guide and fellow tour takers in Gastown on a sunny Friday afternoon.

The tour started with the Juice Truck...hang on a sec...this is a food tour! But in all honesty the vegan, almost chocolate smoothie was thankfully only a half order because it was delicious and very filling.  

We quickly moved from this food truck to the delightful food cart named "Chouchou" for a crepe from Natalie.  A truly delightful and passionate person who shared her personal story while serving up a delicious crepe. I think that thanks to the time we had to chat to her and the insight into her world, this was my favourite stop.

We wandered up the street to Arturos Mexican cart serving authentic Mexican food and we sampled a spicy but delicious chicken taco.

As we carried on up into the City centre we listened to our guide talk about the food industry, travel as well as offering the tourists some historical information.  We stopped outside the Marine Building which is fairly iconic but she took us inside which was my first time appreciating the art deco marvel that it is.  I love discovering new things about our city.

Our next stop with our new Aussie friends was Soho Road cart with fresh warm naan and butter chicken.  This is a cart I have passed by many times but I will be hard-pressed to ever walk by it again.

We walked over to the Art Gallery/Robson Square area and found out that our last stop was the Mom's Grilled Cheese food truck.  Jenn and I were please as this is a truck we have never wanted to waste a food truck experience at given its comfort vs exotic offerings.  We had the sourdough and Canadian cheddar sandwich with pickles (which Jennifer passed up) and some locally made hardbite chips. Make no mistake, it was a decent, cheesy, crunchy sandwich but I won't be rushing back... I can make a sandwich like that at home.  The long lines that are consistently at this truck are a bit of a head-scratcher for me but we were glad to be able to check it off our list.

Our tour ended and after I had found the closest coffee, solved an HR issue and answered 2 emails, we headed back to Richmond on the Canada line.

It was a great way to celebrate that we have survived the last two very challenging years together and managed to keep our sanity and our sense of humour.  We are both delighted to soon have a colleague to help us lead our organisation into a new chapter of growth.

I am sure there are still some memorable eats in our future but this one was a sweet one at a memorable moment.