Battle Fronts

I remember my history classes in second year university.....waaay back then.

It was a relatively small class with an oddball professor who was engaging and a walking encyclopedia.

He was particularly knowledgeable about the World Wars and taught in a narrative way, telling the story rather than dictating facts.

I still have the text book from that class.  Besides highlighting some hoarder tendencies I may have it shows just what a good text it was.  Highly readable.

As these days have been passing and despite my clinging to the Grace I believe exists even in the hard places..... I found myself remembering my History Professors examples of the foolishness of war generals who had too many fronts.

These "too many fronts" made them weak and exposed them to attack, defeat and ultimately failure.

They had to fall back or reinforce or close on some fronts to advance in others.

While I am no army general I have certainly been a foot soldier these past weeks and most definitely fighting battles on too many fronts.

And yes.... weakened, defeated, sad, exhausted...at times... understanding well that too many fronts doesn't work.

So I have battled on.  Some days more of a battle than others.
Seeking Grace.
Trying to hold it all together.

And lo and behold a few "fronts" have started to close/resolve.

Some not in the way I wanted.  But maybe in ways I needed.

Like losing my teaching job due to amalgamation.  That sucks but it sure does close down one front on which I was "battling"/working.

Like letting go a big contract in my event planning business that has become unfruitful and only marginally profitable.  Another front closed.

Some "fronts" closed exactly as I hoped.

A big deal was resolved at work.  In an incredible way.  I saw that battle front close through a veil of tears. Tears of relief.

But

Some fronts remain.

We continue to be worn down by the BC Governments treatment of teachers.  And worn down with worries over lost income.  There is true solace in the solidarity of family and friends and we have had our spirits lifted by some truly kind acts and messages and offers this week.  Moments of light and victory in the battle on the picket line.

I continue to be overstretched at work.  Balance is elusive.  Fatigue constant.  Guilt high.

While my beloved family is a constant source of love and support parenting teens is hard work. They are facing the world, the complex world, and trying to figure it all out.  And we are trying to let them do that without smothering them but with just enough support and much love.....its a fine balance we don't always get right.

And no matter what - the kindness of people and the support of community and the deepness of faith shore me up.

So onward .....with trust and optimism that a brighter day, with no more fewer battles lies ahead.  

Teen Siblings

Every mother has this charming little vignette that plays through her mind about how her various children will love and care for one another.

The older protecting the younger.

The younger seeking comfort and advice from the older.

From the minute a sibling is born we pose them together.

We "Awww" at their adorable moments.

Our hearts sigh at their tender gestures to one another.

DING DING DING....... Wake up Mama!!!!!

These siblings grow up.

They fight over stuff and attention.  They love one minute and hate the next.

They catch you up in their vortex of push/pull love......

And then they become teens.  Doors slam.  Voices yell.  Barbs are traded and increasingly advance to "The Line" and once breaching "The Line" of  societal propriety, once again intervention is required.

Contact is verboten and disgusting.

Contact in public grounds for beheading.

Beheading carried out with undue cheerfulness and merriment..... if Mama didn't intervene.

With great apology to the parents of toddlers who look forward to days coming when "Mine" and "Don't look at me" and "Get away" are soon over....... NOT.

I tried to take a nap on Saturday.  My head was on the pillow 30 seconds.  Yelling.  Stomping. Mama wrath unleashed.

Just like when they were three.

Only now they can outrun you, out smart you and you cannot throw put them in their cribs to cool of (and so you can cool off).

But.

Every now and again.  There is a glimpse. A fleeting moment

That maybe most of the jibes are bluster.

That the barks are worse than the bite.

That under all the "Eww" and "You're gross" a tiny seed of love grows in a weedy patch of their hearts.

I snapped this sequence of two of my favourite teens on the beach after a fairly trying 24 hours.....and I can see the tiny seed of love......please tell me you see it too......????

My heart continues to believe my version of the sibling love story..... Love will win!

Fathers Day

While it was my delight to take my Dad out for lunch today and celebrate the amazing man he is , Dad and Papa....... my dear husband is absent.

He is, in fact, living the fathers day dream.

A weekend of fishing.

Without the kids.

With a bunch of other guys.  A few cases of beer and some stocked lakes.

Good times.

While I solo parent the kids.

So I feel its only fair - we review his parenting over the years.

In photos........   Happy Fathers Day Allan Byres...... you done good!

Space for Grace

Its been a tough day.

I have felt very much caught in that space between the proverbial rock and hard place.

Its a real place.

Its a tough space.

Its the space between a huge bureaucracy and small non-profit

Its the space between a union and a government

Its the space between a 17 year old and her parents rules

But I think ...... I believe....... there can be grace in that space.


Grace to listen.

Grace to respect.

Grace to speak.

Grace to act in kindness.

Grace to find a way through.


That's what I am holding onto tonight.

Post Conference Day 1

I think there should be a name for the first day after a conference.

A name for that feeling of the first day after a great time of learning and growth.

Like......

Scrambled egg head
or
Confretitis
or
What the heck now?
or
Exhaustionelation

I don't know what to call it but it is a "thing".

A full day of conference, an emotional end, a sad farewell to new and reunited friends, two flights across a vast land....... and many, many long and deep conversations all day long left Jennifer and I trying not to nod off on the last hour of the flight, literally unable to speak coherently anymore or even think straight.

And today...... back in the warm embrace of our families, a sleep in our own beds under our belts,  lots to share and yet lots we can't share yet because we have yet to make sense of it.

We were at a Leadership Institute and Study Tour on Pedagogical Leadership.  It was my second such institute and the first one literally changed my life.

Its impact on our organisation over the last two years.... profound.

And history will show that this Institute, in 2014, was another milestone in the development of our work.

It changed us.

It challenged our thinking on so many fronts.

But...... thankfully...... it also validated us.

The overwhelming sense of relief and delight in realising how far we have come, how much we have accomplished is almost as profound as the overwhelming realisation of what we still need to learn and do.

It will take time to sort through our thinking.

To decide on the best next step.

To map out the way forward.

I am tired.  I am delighted. I am challenged.

I am changed.

I think that means it was an excellent conference.

An excellent time of connection and conversations with a colleague.

And now I am hoping for an excellent nights sleep before tomorrow comes and the work begins again.

I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship

Louisa May Alcott 

Wordless Wednesday - Vision

 

#lameLondon

Sitting in a group.

My impending trip comes up.

Someone asks "Where is the conference?"

I say "London"

Eyebrows rise, eyes widen.

Darn.

Now I have to say it.

"Not that London......in England...... London in Ontario......Canada"

People visibly deflate and lose interest.  Some look sorry for me.

This has happened many times to my colleague Jennifer and I over the last 4 months.

So we have come to use the "Lame London" moniker for our destination.

Which is quite untrue and unfair.

It is quite a lovely little city in pastoral southern Ontario......home to beautiful Western University.

And its not like we are going to see much of it anyways.

This is a big ol' country so it will take us all day tomorrow (we'll be up at 4:30am ) to fly to Toronto and connect on to London.  By the time we catch a cab to the hotel it will be ...... late.....especially for us BC girls.

And the Leadership Institute is pretty jam packed.

But here's the thing.

We will have arrived ....... alone (ish)....... to the land of puffy white duvets, big beds to ourselves..... a large tub to soak in.... and..... room service. At the Hilton.

We are truly excited for the Leadership Institute.  I was here two years ago and it changed me as a person and me as a leader in my organisation.  I shed many a tear on those puffy white pillows.  I was alone and I had time to think deeply about our work and my role.  It was hard but it was transformational.

So I am bringing Jennifer this time.

So we can walk the streets of #lameLondon together and cry together and have deep conversations.

And order room service.

It's been a very tough few weeks (heck its been a year if we start counting) for us both and when the wheels lift off the ground tomorrow I think we will both feel relieved to be away for a bit.  Leaving our children in the capable hands of their fathers and our work in the capable hands of our colleagues.

Leaving our phones on airplane mode.

And searching for early childhood education conferences in the Bahamas.