Anxiety

My day has been filled with anxiety - mine and others.

Coming back to work after a week away always makes me a bit anxious..... not knowing what might have occured that I need to fix or intervene in....and there was plenty "stuff" to deal with today!

I also know there is an HR issue that just has to be dealt with this week and it ain't gonna be pretty and that gives me that pit in my stomach anxious feeling.

I had a couple staff who had clearly been waiting for my return so they could transfer their own anxieties onto someone elses shoulders (that's why they pay me the big bucks right????).

And then there is the clear anxiety that the earthquake in Japan has brought. Suddenly we are making sure all our emergency kits are properly stocked and we have re-checked all the plans. Personally I need to make sure we would be ok at home in an earthquake... The digital age has allowed us to be anxious about things so very far away and often its good to be aware of the suffering of others.  But it can also make us feel so powerless to help and that can make us anxious and sometimes guilty for the ease of our own lives.

And we all carry anxieties about our own situations either at home, at work, things our friends and family are facing and I am The Queen at being anxious about just about everything.  Having a faith certainly helps me in this area but too often I keep it to myself rather than giving it over.

So sometimes anxiety drives us to action, sometimes it consumes us until we can share it with someone or make a plan to cope with it and sometimes it paralyzes us.

I have felt a little of each of these today.   Moments when I have picked up the phone and dealt with the issue or sent an email to clarify a situation, other moments when I have absorbed someone elses anxiety and helped them formulate a plan to get through the situation and I will admit once or twice today I just wanted to put my head down on my desk and close my eyes and shut it all out for a few minutes.

Mostly I just imagined that in a week I will be on the beach in Oregon and sucked it up and carried on.....

Balance

I have been thinking over the last few days (plane rides are good times to think I find) about the various roles I play in my life and how to balance them all.

I don't often, these days, have a chance to actively play the role of sister.  Of course this last week I was back in that role after many years and I found myself reconnecting with that part of myself.  Especially the big sister part as my little sister finds herself in a hard space right at the moment (been there done that and likely will be again).  It was good to re-find that role and be able to play it to encourage and come alongside my sister.  She is so admirable in so many ways, in so many ways I never will be.... like mothering 7 kids and pursuing a gifted academic career.  Different but alike and certainly connected always even though we are geographically far apart.  It was an unexpected part of my trip but one I am grateful to have had.

I was also a full-time daughter on this trip as my Mom and I stayed at a B&B and were together 24/7.  We're used to seeing each other often but often those moments are hurried and certainly usually involve the rest of the family so it was great to have time to talk and hang out.  My Mom has such a big heart and she is a wonderful grandmother (the kids call her Gaga) and is generous with her time and resources with each of them. 

I also got to be an Aunt for the week - a role I very seldom get to play.  I have to say it's an awesome role - all the fun without the responsibility!!  I loved getting to know the nieces and nephews and we had lots of fun.  I did the Cha Cha Slide with Amy and Josh (I think??) and got beaten at Wii more than once, baked and iced cupcakes and read lots of stories and I even went sledding (I am not sure who was more surprised me or them:). 

And then I came home and back to being a wife and a Mom - both roles I adore because I adore the people I play them with.  And tomorrow I am back to being the Executive Director and the Event Planner and on Wednesday I have my last class as College Instructor - all roles I am grateful for ( most of the time) for the work and for the opportunity to work with some amazing people (and the pay cheques are great too!).

And so many other roles....... friend, godmother, dance bus driver, sister-in law, cousin, niece etc etc....

I am grateful for all the roles, new and old and re-found and re-fined, here's hoping I can do them all as well as I want to.

HOME

Such a small word, such a BIG concept, so many cliches.........

A few things I enjoyed about coming home today:

1. Allan / Lindsay / David

2. My own bed and my own pillow

3. Not sleeping alone

4. My hairdryer

5. The welcome home note on my pillow from David

6. The realisation I have been missed for what I do and for who I am

7. My espresso machine

8. Spending time at another Robotics Competition where Cambie rules the court!

9. Grocery shopping with both my kids.

10. Knowing I only have one week at work until my next vacation...... YES!!!!

Grateful for my heart home and my actual home.....and most of all for my Peeps.....

Happy/Sad

I am heading home from Alaska today and I can't wait to see my little family - I have missed them SO much.  Lindsay had her first rugby match which I was so sad to miss (and am thankful she survived).  I will be very happy to see them all.
BUT
going home means leaving here and that will be sad.......
It has been wonderful to get to know this family (and this place).  These are 6 GREAT nieces and nephews and 2 amazing parents and a very busy house.  Hard to imagine another baby still to come.......
And this vast snowy frozen land........It does feel so far away from anywhere........
So Mom and I are managing our emotions today with hearts tugged in two opposite directions - a modern day story of so many families in this world of global travel and economies...... hoping that personal teleporting is in the near future so we can pop back here for coffee and biscotti whenever we need a Gates Family Fix.  Thinking of those with families far away in Japan...........

  

Joshua

My nephew Joshua (10) dashes in from playing in the snow and calmly says 'Glucose Stat".  My sister Jill jumps up and follows him to the bathroom and administers some glucose.  When he starts to feel better Joshua pricks his finger and tests his blood.  The number is 54 - very low.  This is "normal" life for Joshua who is living with Type I Diabetes.  He has a pump into his abdomen and before any meal or any physical activity he checks his number (which should be between 80-120), calculates his carb intake and programs the pump to give him the correct dose of insulin.  But for the little cassette sized device attached to his belt nothing would tell you he has diabetes.  I am in awe of how he handles himself and how his Mom calculates important info on the fly to keep him safe.  She calls herself the Carb Computer and she is right. I am ashamed of how little I understood/understand about this condition so I am giving her some space here to do some advocacy on Juvenile Diabetes.
Jillian Gates writes:
Before I advocate for my son, I must say that he is one of my all-time heroes. Joshua became diabetic at the age of 5 and has taken the challenge in stride. Of my six children he has the perfect temperament to handle the challenges associated with living with diabetes. Every three days he has to have a canula inserted under the skin with a 1 1/2 inch needle. He never fusses, he never argues about it, he just lays still and compliments me when it's a good stick! In fact, we celebrate January 16 (his diagnosis date) every year as a special event. Not to celebrate the fact that he has diabetes, but the fact that he has had another healthy year. Another year of relatively good numbers and no major health issues. Joshua is fortunate that he has no co-occurring disorders that often crop up with Type I. 


The biggest challenge in keeping Joshua safe is at school. Diabetes is not a science, it is an art. Balancing blood glucose levels along with emotions, physical activity, and food intake changes at any given time. Sure, there are ratios that put us in the ballpark for bolusing him, but none of it is exact on any given day. How does one write this in a medical care plan? That has been our greatest challenge. We try to cover all the bases, but at some point nursing and parental judgment must come into play. This is the sticking point with the doctor. She does not want to allow for this wiggle room and we need it. 

Fortunately for Joshua and me, I work in the same building as Joshua attends school. I can assert parental judgment at any given time and override the nurse, but that takes an interruption to my teaching and is a constant frustration to the nurse who is powerless to do it herself. My question is what happens for kiddos who don't have parents in the building? This is where we must take a stand for students with Type I Diabetes. We need to demand the care plans we know our children need. Of course we need to be able to back up our demands with evidence, but the beauty of the pump is it downloads all the information from his blood glucose levels and insulin boluses so we can prove the need. We are fortunate that all schools in our district have a full-time school nurse. I believe that is not true in other schools in the US and Canada. Parents must come in and bolus their children during the day. This leaves Type I Diabetics very vulnerable and under-served and parents in a very difficult position regarding their own jobs.


Although Diabetes can seem to be an all-encompassing phenomenon in Joshua's life it does not define who he is. He is a 10-year old boy who is an avid sportsman, a gifted student, a video game freak, and a bossy big brother who happens to have diabetes. Joshua is not diabetic, he is a person who has diabetes. This is the verbiage we need to use when we speak about people who have a chronic condition. We must define the person first and the condition second, not the other way around. It is merely one facet of who he is, not his defining feature.

Thank you Nicky for the space to advocate for my hero, my son, Joshua!

Wordless Wednesday - The Alaska Edition

My Moose in daylight

Me in Seward

Resurrection Bay

The Frozen Sea

Endless snowy mountains

Snowy Mountain High

Just a day.....driving around south of Anchorage on the Kenai Pennisula.......
BREATHTAKING / AMAZING / INCREDIBLE and 185 photos of snowy mountains...... and me standing on a frozen lake in front of a glacier in a tank top..... I'm just saying... :)

Anchorage from Flat Top Mountain

Looking across Turn Again Arm - Frozen Sea

Portage glacier

Me standing on a few feet of ice in front of Portage Glacier 

Resurrection Bay - Seward Alaska (end of the road)

To bed to dream of.....snow.........